Sitting all alone in a room that is like a cardboard box,
No room to breath,
sufficating,
until I die because there is never anyone around when it comes like this,
because no one cares how its like to be alone,
because they have friends always around them,
walking on this path,
until at a point there is three ways to go,
If I take the wrong road,
I will go straight to hell,
somewhere I far long not to go to,
but all these temptation,
tears well up because I am all alone,
trying to figure out something,
until there is no point of me being here,
so I slice my wrist so hard,
that blood squirts on my face,
I just had a miscarriage over the weekend,
I can't bear to be alone anymore,
So I won't have to anymore,
because i won't be in this world,
where I just sit there and let people laugh in my face,
and have tears flowing like ever lasting waterfalls,
Time has come for me to go,
this is what everyone wanted,
so its like a dream come true for all of you guys,
So fare well everyone and I hope you make something out of your life,
something I couldn't do for myself!
what did this poem make you feel
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Ouch! This is just about as dark as it gets! a great deal of passion here (I only hope that not a single word of it is true! Yet, if it is I do promise prayers!) bravo!!!
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HOLY S*** hey I am here for you you dont have to feel bad life gets better
but still GREAT WRITE
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hey
you are right I don't have to feel bad about life its just it was how I felt that day and on top of that. I am with this dude that I have been wanted to be with since last year and he asked me out this weekend so my dream has come true and I am no longer depress and this poem is just about what happen to me in the pass. And I have been always told to look on today because of tomorrow is never promising and the pass is already over with
Well thank you Johnathan
Love
Lysa Marye Spiess
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If this is about you, I am really sorry, and my prayers go out to you... especially the last stanza... I could not imagine having to endear that.
I think you have some strong emotion here, but there are places that need more originality, imagery, and some stronger word choices. If you ever want help editing a poem, I normally have time
I don't claim myself to know all - but I share my opinions
Well done.. and good luck!
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thank you
and yes this is about me and thank you for the prayers. Thanks for the comment. I would love for your opinion on my poems its would kinda show me that I have someone who wants to help me to be a better person. Thank you again for the comment and taking your time to read it.
Love
Lysa Marie Spiess -
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i would pray too, except i don't believe in god . so, you have my sympathy.
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hey
its cool that you don't believe in god because neither do I. I am atheist sorry if I misspelled it. but I am glad that you care. -
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atheism = logical
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hey
sorry that I misspell it its not my fault that CPS moved me everywhere where I was not able to learn normal like you or anyone else -
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you spelled it correctly. i just used a different form of the word.
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oh
I see cool then I am glad that you are one of the people I trust to tell me the truth on my poems I have another poem I want you to look at for me it is called Soul-mates and you are one of the people that I want to edit I hope you have fun see what needs to be fixed on it and take all the time you want in the world to make right to you okay. Well have a blast at it and thanks again for commenting on this poem
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line 1: cardboard*
2: breathe*
3: suffocating*
4: "because is never around " doesn't make sense..
5: 'cause*, cares*, it's*
6: "cause that have people" doesn't make sense
8: are* not 'is'
10: you're missing a word. "I will go straight to hell"
11: line doesn't make sense. take out 'far'?
12: temptations*
15: in* instead of 'of'. "point in me being here"
22: everlasting* waterfalls*
overall, the idea is good, but the implementation needs work. the commas at the end of every line are not used correctly, and there is no meter or rhyme. needs a bit of revising.
i liked it though, you have a good idea with it, it really seems to express how you're feeling.
Jay
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thanks
thank you for helping me out on this I didn't realize I had so many errors on this poem. I just wrote it off the top of my head and I was angry and upset with myself for letting all this drama happen to me -
Poems do not need to have rhyme. At all.
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yeah
I agree with you totally its just how I feel and all my poems never rhyme. Because it would make me look like everyone else and I want to stand out. Thanks again Ryno -
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i feel differently..everyone i know writes poems that don't rhyme, and they just don't seem poetic to me. it just seems like a stream of conciousness with a basic idea, no poetic devices. but maybe that's just me. yes, i'm aware of free verse and prose format, but they're still "poetic" formats.
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hey
its good that you feel differently about how poems are written but some other people have their own point of view on things thats why I asked people I can trust to tell me the truth about this poem that is why you were one of them -
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I'm always truthful
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hey
its good to be truthful in life because it won't hold you back and you will get further in life if you are like that, that is why I am always truthful to everyone I speak to. And you are one of them
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