I never said I could give you the moon
but I gave you my word that I'd try
I never said I would always put the stars in your eyes
but I gave you my word that I'd try
When I said I loved you
I tried
I gave you my word.
You feared, it wasn't enough...
I undressed all my pride to the world
and showed you where my words would be kept
You touched the casket of a clean heart
that no man could have given, but me.
I drowned while crossing that ocean, as I swam for your shore
I burned as I held onto the embers of love with my hands
I died without you, your love and your kindness, leaving
my Heart
engraved on a slab of polished concrete
with the words that I had.
Look at me now and remember my love
please dress me with pride
with the robes of your heart.
Of all the things I gave you,
Remember the one thing,
that I kept.
Author notes
Prompt "I promise.." critical and casual please.
the idea of saying "I give you my word" and then actually keeping your word aswell.
from a friend's perspective to someone he loves.
A contest entry
- Celebrating my 50th Gold Trophy! by Carpe Noctem.
500 points, ended March 7, 2009, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do you think?
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Good write
Very powerful heartfelt words. I loved the depth of feeling that you gave to this poem.
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nice
Wow, you have a lot of feelings here. But I can identify, I think we all feel this way at one time or another. At least you tried, like you promised.
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wow this is so very powerful. I love the way you have written this, the language you have used adds to its strength. I can really feel emotion through this.
thank you for sharing.
Holly. -
"You feared, that it wasn't enough..."
That line hit me like a ton of bricks! I have had such a fear and it does MUCH damage to a friendship (which includes a romance.)
Nice work. You saw me! I am exposed1 -
two thumbs up
I will undress all my pride to the world
and show you where my words would be kept
and touched the casket of a clean heart
that no man could give you, but me.
a nice flow of emotions throughout the poem....loved the middle part of the poem which is succeeded well through the end.......i enjoyed it a lot.....cheers
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I enjoyed this piece, I can see the effort you have gone to both with the words for the poem and with the understanding of the importance of keeping a promise made. Some suggestions if I may:
I never said that I could give you the moon but I gave you my word that I'd try (remove 'that' and 'but' )
I never said that I would always put the stars in your eyes but I gave you my word that I'd try (remove 'that' and 'but' )
When I said that I loved you (remove 'that')
I tried
I gave you my word.
You feared, that it wasn't enough... (remove 'that')
I will undress all my pride to the world
and show you where my words would be kept
and touched the casket of a clean heart
that no man could give you, but me. (The tense here is out of sync - perhaps "I undressed all my pride to the world and showed where my words would be kept, you touched the casket of a clean heart that could only be given, not taken - it's not ideal, just a suggestion)
I drowned while crossing that ocean, as I swam for your shore
I burned while holding on to the embers of love with my hands (I burned as I held onto the embers ...)
I died without you, your love and your kindness, leaving
my Heart
engraved on a slab of polished concreate (concrete)
with the words that I had. ("with the words that I had" seems unfinished or "with the words I had" could be removed.
Look at me now and remember my love
please dress me with pride
with the robes of your heart.
Of all the things that I gave you,
Remember the one thing,
that I kept. (remove 'that' - perhaps "of all those things I gave you, remember the one that I kept")
I like the twist ot the perception in this last stanza. Just some ideas.
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Great write! I love it. This is definitely a heartfelt write. Well penned.
"Look at me now and remember my love
please dress me with pride
with the robes of your heart.
Of all the things that I gave you,
Remember the one thing,
that I kept."
Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing.
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I like this i can kinda relate i have been tryign to write somethign abotu hpw i tried so hard to keep soemthing and how its feels when you are the only one tryign!!! But i really liek your wording... one of the best ones I have read!!!
Blessings
-Unbreakable...< -
this is a really touching and heartfelt poem. i can relate to this person because we always either expect too much from people or give everything we have and recieve little in return. this poem says it all.
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Heartfelt and vulnerable. It is a sad fact of life that so many insist on nothing less than complete success, and treat honorable failure with contempt.
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First read of yours, and I am impressed! Your flow and choice of sentences in your lines are delightfully crafted.....A beauty
write! P.S..(take the a out of concrete please)
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hm, this was a very powerful write, i think i like the begining more though, idk.good luck
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this was so beautiful.. he is such a lovely man and I love him too.. Lol. he worries for nothing.. 
my heart he has and forever will keep for as long as he wants it.. Thank you hun for writing this with him 
... best of luck in the contest.
Angel
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I will undress all my pride to the world
and show you where my words would be kept
and touched the casket of a clean heart
that no man could give you, but me.
this is so very beautiful. thank you for sharing it with me today. it is wonderful to see the tender side of a man's heart. i wish you well in this contest that you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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