and there there
there, she was
so beautiful,
inanimate,
rolling over the
backward hills.
oh how she feels
like flying.
the wind is
marvelous and
it is cold,
but no one
has told her this
yet.
wet eyes on
the man she
loves, but so
much for joy
and jubilation.
it's a taste of
sickness she swallows
as she follows
the trees with
her eyes.
the ride has
lasted eons.
and it is the
moment- he
speeds up, the truck
choking along at
eighty. and it
is a poor baby
she carries.
but he's marrying
another bitch-
a switch into
a new gear,
a fear of something.
but nothing really
matters. the
splatter of a
body on the
highway.
the exhaust of
a motor
the leaves
falling
Author notes
perhaps a little dramatic
A contest entry
- as we rode through the night by adsaige.
400 points, ended March 7, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any advice is welcome
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Wow, powerful and the form lent a certain drama to the piece I think.
All the best,
mj.
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Judged
There is an edit: there are two theres in the first line.
I don't find this dramatic, I would however like to see a bit of an expansion on it. Do you know what I mean? You've given me the bones of the poem, I want to body as well. I want to feel the highway, and the moisture of her eyes, and the pain.
You have a few days to edit. I will take a second look at or before contest close.
Thank you for entering. Good luck.
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the three 'there's are for effect. (the term "there, there, there" people use when consoling someone was what I was going for). I'll see how I can expand on this though. Thanks!
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I figured it was purposefully, but it didn't read well in that way.
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probably. That's the problem with emotions sometimes. :/
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Loved the bits of internal rhyme and alliteration, powerful subject matter as well.
All the best,
mj.
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drama yes but the leaves falling was the perfect counter image.
this is so good.
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thank you.
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no. the drama makes the mundane that much more significant
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thanks. I have a tendancy to under-play things.
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