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neverland.




once-fluent rhymes along my heart-breaths are battered and mangled;

intentions will never cover up scars.


--


I am tired of being the falling-star girl;

forcing myself upon the corners of the earth
screaming " stop " just to find that I'm staring back

at those who have found their place in the heavens.


--


I never asked to be stuck within moon-hollowed bones

that are just a little too empty to hold my heart-beat in rhythm;

I never wanted to stare at citrine sunrises
that once defined my horizons and
wonder why I'm not beautiful as they are.


and 'hate' wasn't a word I wanted to resound

off the walls and reverberate through my skull
when I see my own reflection.


All I am is evanescent light of a perishing day.


--


I wanted to be made of more than
mirror-glass and fading illusions;

I want to stop searching for filled ribcages

in the abyss of key-hidden eyes that are lacking

in all ways I once loved myself.


I lick my wounds but my tongue gets caught and
slices through what I just fixed.

hope just ruins me more;

and calignosity has swallowed me whole.


--


I am tired of being soul-beaten
in the deepest shades of indigo;
I'm sick of having the river-green eyes
that aren't going anywhere, and lies
that no one ever believes.


I can't take much more of being the candy-heart,

ebbing and dissolving under the smallest amount of pressure.


--



I suffocate on the rawest form of detesting and inhale

the most complex species of loathing into my veins.

 

I just wanted to choke out the toxins so that I could

find myself in them;

 

I just need to know there's 

something to find.

 

 

--

 

these eyes don't work so well anymore;

 

they used to whisper about

night-shaded beauty and painted windowpanes;

and how I might just be enough.

 

but then I drowned within

water-colors of my soul,

and never again did I see daylight.

 

..and the cavities of my lungs are screaming

our cries for deliverance;

but I'm all alone.

I guess my lips don't work so well either.

 

 

  I'm done chasing my shadow.

 

 

--

 

 

 

 I'm battered from being trapped within

ticking airways and hearts never beating.

 

 

 

 

 I want to be able to fall into myself and know

that I'll be caught.

 

 

 

I could be so much more.

 

 

--

 

 

I will sing my stars goodbye,

for my suffocated sunsets have taken over;

 

I can no longer slide my story beneath cobwebs and lung-dust.

 

 

all I can do is keep breathing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

http://allpoetry.com/angela.




"mood ring turned red"

A contest entry

What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Ryno
    April 19

    Edit | Reply

    79

    Title - 3/5
    Impact - 4/5
    Form/Format - 2/5
    Clarity - 5/5
    Theme - 4/5
    Creativeness with prompt - 2/5
    Poetic voice/tone - 3/5
    Imagery – 8/10
    Emotion - 10/10
    Personal reaction - 8/10
    Poetic devices - 8/10
    Balance of everything - 8/10
    Conflict, Overall - 14/15


    First off, I can see that you put a lot of yourself in this piece, and really made yourself vulnerable by sharing and literally pouring your emotions out to us. It is fantastic that you did that, and I thank-you and everyone else who did it/will do it...

    but remember, that sometimes that is not enough.

    Majorly, it was the length and format of this piece that threw me off.

    It felt so lengthy, that eventually, it felt like a ramble. It didn't feel like every word was there for a purpose. So, eventually, I think it became increasingly harder and harder to focus on the good things in the write.

    Also, I found a lot of the concepts/metaphors/imagery to be "nothing new". A lot of them felt as though they had been in previous poems of yours, or others poems... which sucks.

    I want to challenge you next round to not write vignettes. You don't have to, but I think it would be good for you. If we become too reliable on vignettes, we may loose our ability to actually connect a poem as a whole. Vignettes are great, but sometimes it actually speaks to me more without vignettes, because then I can appreciate the poets talent to string all the parts of the poem together as one. I think the over-use of vignettes and spacing in your poem threw me off again.

    These were my only major issues that, unfortunately, ended up affecting a lot of the things that, otherwise, would've been great.

    I think this piece is jam-packed with potential, you just need to get your message/theme and emotion across in a few powerful strikes.

    I did think your emotion and internal struggle was still able to come across to me, I could feel what you were going through - and in turn, the conflict was one of the things we were looking for the most.

    This is still a great piece, these are just my opinions. Wonderfully done !!


  • Emerald-Spirit
    April 17
    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant write! You write extremely good. LOved reading this one. Xds-gX


  • Never Fall in Love
    April 12

    Edit | Reply
    Title - 4/5
    Impact - 3/5
    Form/Format - 3/5
    Clarity - 5/5
    Theme - 5/5
    Creativeness prompt - 4/5
    Poetic voice/tone - 4/5
    Imagery – 8/10
    Emotion - 9/10
    Personal reaction - 7/10
    Poetic devices - 7/10
    Balance of everything - 7/10
    Conflict, Overall - 12/15

    Total: 78/100



    I have to say that this probably is one of your most emotive peices. It has a strong voice that is probably your own and I can almost hear it.

    However, it's very raw and it feels like it needs to be edited. You have some excellent phrases but some words need to be cut out and this could be made much more concise.

    I think i mentioned this already but you've got too much spacing - that and your line breaking culd be tidied up for better effect so that the poem looks and feels together.

    Basically anything i could point out would cover the two points above. It's very much you . but not up to your usual standard.

    Nonetheless, it's a good write with great potential.
    Chandni


  • stasis
    February 25

    Edit | Reply
    "intentions will never cover up scars."
    LOVELOVELOVE. That is effing amazing.

    I would take the italics off of the "never" in the second vignette thinger. The stress that's put on it sounds funky.

    "and 'hate' wasn't a word I wanted to resound
    off the walls and reverberate through my skull
    when I see my own reflection."
    Gahhh! I know how that feels so well... that's like... an everyday thing for me. Amazing wording.

    "soul-beaten
    in the deepest shades of indigo;"
    That is absolutely beautiful.

    "I just need to know there's
    something to find."
    That is so incredibly sad... but again, I know how this feels. It's a bitch.

    "I'm done chasing my shadow." reminds me of the "I'm half sick of shadows" saying... which is awesome.


    The ending; killer. Tyler's critique pretty much covers it all. The ones that I pointed out were all I could find aside from his.

    But yes, this is awesomesauce. Jeeze... I have no chance in this round, lol, you're kicking my ass!!

    ♣ Tegan


    • heavenbird
      February 25
      Edit | Reply
      Aw, thank you! <3

      I'll try to take some of the colors out real fast. xP


  • AnarchistXxXLove
    February 15
    Edit | Reply

    o wow

    This is a great write, beautiful

1 - 6 of 6