peach skin
blonde hair
crying softly
in her chair
gold hay
filling the floor
one spindle
looming below
this pretty girl
has capabilities
that I can only dream of
a child, a child
a sweet little babe
to love and to cherish
every day, all their life
a curse i was given
when I was her age
I was also beautiful
beautiful, but strange
a wizardly man
wanted me for his own
when i refused,
I was then changed
Rumpelstiltskin
horrible, ugly
nicknames are cruel
so I was renamed
no love for the monster,
no husband or friend,
no child, no teacher,
no family, nothing
not for that creature
that hides in the night
can't look into mirrors
for fright of the scene
of horror, of hatred
of revenge from that man
no one guesses my true name
who ever could?
I am no longer a Rose,
nor a beautiful sight
no longer a beacon
a beacon of light
never will be a wife
never will be a mother
who could blame me?
the girl could have more.
the girl would have more
I know of my talent
greedy men would steal
straw into gold
do they know the true price?
each time i obey
the urge to create
I'm reminded of why
I have this tainted gift
My aunt, she loved me
even after the spell
her pity summoned
a miracle
a way to keep me alive
nevertheless
i was banished
my own father
didn't recognize me
my own father
tried to kill me
I could not stay in my kingdom
I must never come back
not to that killing-place
the gold is my tears
the man made a species
anew,
ugly but beautiful too.
I'll help her
this girl-child before me
she'll give me her first-born
I will have a child!
Author notes
Rumpelstiltskin
A contest entry
- The Disenchantment by bachelorette.
1190 points, ended March 3, 2009, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fairytale's Spin by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended March 1, 2009, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything! [Prewrites Allowed] by Captain Amber SL.
700 points, ended April 26, 2009, 74 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - princess's by Princess Molly.
700 points, ended February 1, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"My aunt, she loved me
even after the spell
her pity summoned
a miracle
a way to keep me alive"
I loved this, it shows the raw emotion that has been present in this poem.
The rhyme and flow, while still beautiful, were both a little choppy at times, and at other times had completely disappeared, making the poem a little harder to read. Rewriting the poem ever so slightly would definitely help to remedy that.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry I like how this begins with a rather sing-song rhythm, then immediately drops it and the rhyme. I do wish, though that there was still some sense of rhythm because it becomes really choppy (will venture into more detail later).
I really like the story behind this, about Rumpelstiltskin being female... or rather more of a sexless being but wanting to be the miller's daughter. And I love the fact that the story isn't pushed in my face but is picked up through hints and the little details you give. Also, the desparate tone grows throughout the piece. There's a lot of emotion in this: jealousy, depression, hope... I think it's wonderful that you've taken the villain from "Rumpelstiltskin" and made her/it the victim. -
This is an imaginative twist on the fairytale of Rumpelstilskin. The thought that maybe "he" might actually be a cursed woman is a good idea and very creative.
"My aunt, she loved me
even after the spell
her pity summoned
a miracle
a way to keep me alive"
I loved this, it shows the raw emotion that has been present in this poem.
The rhyme and flow, while still beautiful, were both a little choppy at times, and at other times had completely disappeared, making the poem a little harder to read. Rewriting the poem ever so slightly would definitely help to remedy that.
I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry. ^__^
Aeris Silverlight
-
applause for contest
-K
-
very well done in my eyes though the beat and rhyme was off at points which made it hard to read. but thanks for entering
-
I like how this begins with a rather sing-song rhythm, then immediately drops it and the rhyme. I do wish, though that there was still some sense of rhythm because it becomes really choppy (will venture into more detail later).
I really like the story behind this, about Rumpelstiltskin being female... or rather more of a sexless being but wanting to be the miller's daughter. And I love the fact that the story isn't pushed in my face but is picked up through hints and the little details you give. Also, the desparate tone grows throughout the piece. There's a lot of emotion in this: jealousy, depression, hope... I think it's wonderful that you've taken the villain from "Rumpelstiltskin" and made her/it the victim.
The rhythm, though, is difficult. It's mostly choppy as a result of the constant four-to five-line stanzas (ignoring the one three-liner) and lack of punctuation that keeps the reader guessing where he/she should pause. I think after the first two stanzas, you shouldn't limit yourself to the four or five lines and perhaps take on longer lines and lengthen your phrases.
-K -
-
thank you so much for your detailed comment! I do want to revise this when I get the time, and your comment will help me SO much with that. I'm going to try to improve the rythm, after the contest...
thanks again!
-
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