He’d always liked Blue Jays,
sky bolts darting about the trees,
raucous as fighter planes
landing on deck,
as they swooped
to the feeder.
Other birds, startled,
flashed their wings
like angry customers
shaking their fists,
but left,
complaining loudly.
The crested passerines strutted,
preened in their dress blues,
picked out sunflower seeds and
spit the millet out;
only the best for them.
Cocks of the walk, he thought,
and laughed at himself:
Wrong species.
Cocksure, nonetheless.
From his bed
beside the window
he yelled for his daughter.
“I want the good coffee today.
Jamaica Blue, I think.”
Author notes
Revised after contest. (Former title: Navy Pilot, WWII)
POW; Theme: Pride
Link to gold poem "Hand Therapist": http://allpoetry.com/poem/4958959
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Well, the man had exquisite taste in coffee, at any rate...the most expensive kind there is, and well worth every penny, too. A wonderful tribute to a vet, Lita. 
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I have a yen for war poems either happy or sad, I wish I understood more of your language so i could put it together better, (for me). I feel a buzz between fighter pilots and proud birds,
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ooo good poem here, I like what you were writing about and how you described the birds made me smile a little.
I think you did indeed, a great job.
Love you auntie!!
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This..>>>
Other birds, startled,
flashed their wings
like angry customers
shaking their fists,
but left,
complaining loudly.
The crested passerines strutted,
preened in their dress blues,......is SO much better....thank you for showing me your edit....I believe this would have raised your score up to.....according to my board......( Depth Feeling & Ponder ......- 94.5 -
....God bless you!
Bear ~
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I loved the way you described all the birds and told this story, very good...!!!
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Hello -
My first stop is here..>>> Jays strutted - I believe you should have used a MET here instead of repeating the word Jays and taking away from the Power which the first one gave -
Bring down *Wrong species* a space after your semi-colon -
....and then bring down *from his bed* -
**angry customers complaining shaking their fists, complained but left**...I am not sure where that L fits into your write.......I thought the man was in his bed and his daughter was in the kitchen.....your write gave me a sense of being in the country.....where did the customers come from?
Lovely Theme and penned very nice....just a tad confused is all -
Good luck & God bless,
Bear ~
Title 8.9.....Had me pondering..but I would not have clicked on this Title unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Flow 9.25...only a few areas I would edit for better Flow....1st & lasy S*'s are a tad long.....IMHO -
Depth 9.1....I felt a little left hanging....I know 19 L's are tough to get it all out there....but it's part of your challenge....but no worries, I have enjoyed the writes you have penned for the PO's....love your gift of talent -
Theme 9.05...a common Theme of Nature and wildlife....but penned with harmony working together with your thoughts-
Feelings 8.95..hmmm...I felt a little left out here...I wanted to feel more from her father ....I wanted to almost cry with a Theme as powerdul as this could have been....actually, I hope you edit it....add to it... and let me see it if you do -
Grammar 9.0.....I feel as though this Themes grammar had the opportunity to be MUCH more Powerful -
Presentation 8.5....1st & last S* are a tad too long.....for me -
Uncommonness....9.05...Theme is a tad common.....but the MET view is what I enjoyed behind your words -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.25...I did ponder...but only briefly -
Ability to follow Rules 10.0...perfect....nice job
-Bears Score: 91.05
I liked this write...I hope you take it further after the contest.....no editing until after contest please
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As always, your critique is much appreciated; it is always good to have this kind of feedback. My only "defensive" response concerns the line: "angry customers shaking their fists". I meant this to be a metaphor for the other birds who were driven away from the feeder by the blue jays, squawking and flapping wings, but finally giving up and leaving the feeder to the jays. Perhaps I just have just used a simile, "like angry customers..." to make it clearer to the reader. While I did mean the poem to have just a gentle feeling of the old man's pride at what he had been, if that emotion isn't clear, then the poem needs a good re-work. Again thank you so much. I am always humbled at the amount of time you and a few other put in to give us such thoughtful responses. Lita
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Nicely done, I enjoyed the visual. Best wishes ~
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I love to watch the birds - have feeders everywhere!...lol
Much enjoyed this.
best wishes in the contest
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looks as though i will be reading more of your work! this is amazing, and such a fun read. the content is really brought to life by your choice of words. great job
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Good luck "H" with this excellent little gem. Mal
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Nice job on this poem. It is not at all what I expected. It is both well crafted and interesting.
Keep up the good work.
Mike
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Thanks, Mike. Did the title trick you a bit? or is it that I wrote in free verse, when I've been writing so much in form? I actually started rhyming without noticing, and had to go back and "fix" it -- contest rule!
Lita
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Lovely write!
Best wishes in the contest and always!
Write on and on!
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Thank you for your very kind remarks. I do appreciate them. Lita
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