Catching daydreams in my fingers, I view this sunny day
I’ll tell you what I'm thinking. Is this cliché by the way ?
An ocean waved by greenest hue spreads before my eyes
daffodils, forget me nots, and bluebell lullabies.
Wings of painted butterflies dance for my delight
in the distance, chattering rivers. hidden from my sight.
Songbird calls, buzzing wasps and melancholy bees
sit with me, in reverie, beneath the basking trees.
Time stands still, troubles fade and worries seem to die
languishing without a care beneath this bluest sky.
With a heavy sigh, and yes, just a hint of sorrow
I have to leave my dreams, until this time tomorrow.
Author notes
long lyrical lines
A contest entry
- Lovely long lines by cricketjeff.
1800 points, ended March 5, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP X Factor 2 - Auditions by sideways hourglass.
550 points, ended February 27, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Lovely poem to read and portrays the title very well-Good Luck with this lovely flowing write-
Hilly
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A delicious poem here.
I just noticed the other comments and you should have picked Ecrivain as a judge
I am a meter beater, the first couple of changes are smooth and work well but there are a couple of others that make a smooth read difficult, but that is getting the negative out the way. The poetry is superb each line is well metered and the content is superb.
thanks a lot for a great entry.
Jeff
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I'm not a meter-beater ...
so I don't really pay much attention to slight differences in meter from line to line. As long as the poem can be read aloud without stumbling over the lines, it's fine by me.
This is a good job in any case. Good luck with the contest.
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Hey, you have made it through.
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Thank you!
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yes.
I see potential.
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Yes.
Tyler's point of stanza 3 Line 2 is correct...he noticed the rhythm change drastically, but it's the last 2 lines that actually knock that rhythm off keeter. Try using a consistent syllabic count per line of 12 or 13 and it'll pull those final 2 lines into place.
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Yes
Maybe I read it wrong or something, but the 2nd line in stanza 3 didn't seem to go with the meter/flow of it. Keep in mind that I am not an expert at rhyme. Laura will be good with rhyme-poems, when it comes to comments.
I see potential here though.
The only part I didn't like was was line 2 of the first stanza. Otherwise, this was pleasant.
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This might sound odd but the poem started out as something else, then it drifted into just nice thoughts of summer, so I decided to leave it
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That happens to a lot of people. Hopefully I can help you maintain control of the ideas. I'm looking forward to seeing more of your writing next time!
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Sensational!!!
this is a stunning long liner.
Well done here and best of luck in the contest.
Delila
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Perfectly delightful!
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This is so lulling and peace invoking. Enjoyable ease of rhyme that lends to the beauty of the long lines.
KW~
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Hi, this is charming, a very pretty poem, a pleasure to read, Di
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