Almost Caving In

I can't remember the last time I cut.
I can't remember when I last drew the cool soothing metal
across my unworthy wrist.
I try to trace back the time,
looking for a precise memory that I can
say is most recent...

But I can't find it.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow.
Well, it IS 1:18 in the morning, so *technically*
that means it's Valentine's Day now.
A day of love, and caring, and complete bliss.

But all I can think of is how the day is red.
All red.
RED.
I want to so badly.
I want it so severely,
it feels like I'm ripping to shreds
from the inside out.

Oh my god...
so much pain.
Why do I have a breaking heart???
Not broken. Broken means that it is finished, and soon the
pain will be gone...

I want to tell him so badly.
I want to cry in front of him right now,
have him hold me as I cry for no apparent reason.
But I can't cry in front of him.
He's asleep, and exhausted.
What right do I have to put him through that?

But I NEED to cry now...
Correction, I AM crying now.
Sobbing actually,
Curled up on the floor like a little girl who's lost and can't help herself.

(pause...recompose myself. get a grip.)

Everything is fine.
I shouldn't be depressed on this day.
I am not alone.
He loves me.
But...
I don't seem to love myself.
Or maybe...
I love myself too much?

Could this all really be an obsession with myself?
Am I that selfish?.. that conceited?.. that...
pathetic.....?

I am.

That must be it.
I cry because my own body realizes how utterly pathetic my musings are,
how miniscule and agonizingly painful someone like me can be.
It would rather seek another form of punishment though...

Did you notice Valentine's Day and blood share the same color?
I can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Or maybe I'm just not thinking about it enough
because I'm too busy thinking about myself.

Me me me me me me me.
Me
myself
I
selfish selfish selfish
!!!!!!!!!!!!SELFISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!#@$#^$&$(%)*^%*%^_)$(&%($)$*#!$#%&*#(#%

I want to scream until my throat bleeds my body dry!!!!!

stop
Stop
StOp
STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Too many thoughts.
No.
Too few thoughts.
No, too many.
I don't know.
Don't ask me.

I can feel my hand twitching,
my wrist pulsing,
YEARNING for the blood to be freed.
I can hear the shrill beautiful call of the metal point, beckoning
singing to me, crooning, calling out to serve its purpose.

(don't)

I'm reaching for it.
That sweet metal. It's staring at me, NEEDING to be used.
My wrist itches.
Ugh, it feels like I need to rip it off, it itches, like a snakes old skin...

Oh my god,
I'm crying again.
Did I ever stop?
I don't know,
I can't remember.
I can't think.
No that's not the problem.
I think too much.
I want my brain to stop.
To cease functioning.
Turn OFF!

Does that equal death?
I don't think I want to die...
not yet anyways, haven't lived long enough.
But I think ceasing to have any activity...
to become brain-dead...
I'm pretty sure most medics define that as being just about dead.
If there is no brain function, then the conscience and person are no longer among the living.
That's about as dead as you get.

UGH!
Why won't you shut down?
Is there a button I can press or something?
Well, I suppose
OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

This MUST be delirium from crying to much and thinking too psychotically.
But I'm not psycho.
So what other word describes these thoughts?
I don't know.
Don't ask me.
Don't look at me.
Don't think poorly of me.
Go away.
Not really though.
I don't think I could take it if you leave me alone.
I don't like being alone.
Cuz then crap like this happens.


I love you.....



(I won't give in. I cried too hard to have enough energy to give in... Happy Valentine's Day...)