right now.

this very moment is exactly the same as every moment has been since you left.

i'm still silently aching for you and nobody knows it but me, even though you gave me a second chance almost a year ago and i lied through my fake smile to you. i said he was a boxer. i said he was perfection. i said he existed and none of those things were true. but i knew i had to lie because i had convinced myself that you had lied to me. maybe you didn't. i don't know anymore.

right now is the worst time- at least the past is behind me and the future holds the promises of being at least a little easier. but they do say that you can never find the right person if you're still holding onto the wrong one. i wonder how long i'll hang on to that red jacket on the floor of my closet. i tell my mother to throw it away, that i don't want to see it. but i know that i'll feel empty when it's gone.

i know that tonight you're only forty-five minutes away from me, and my throat closes every time i see boathouse row. i think i stopped breathing when i saw your high school's tiny little boathouse with its blaring red and white paint, taunting me with memories of that day. it was a beautiful day and even the fact that my father was livid because he couldn't find me didn't spoil it.

i'm planning on being in the same place as you, and maybe i find it so irresistable because i know that you're somewhere close to me. right now my heart burns to think of running into you on my first autumn day there. maybe that red jacket will be on the floor of my dorm closet so that i can return it to you since you wouldn't let me mail it back. maybe you're hoping for the same things i am.

right now i don't hate you like i usually do. right now i want you here next to me, whispering in my ear like you always did and bringing me roses for valentine's day, reminding me that you'll love me forever and ever and talking about our wedding, which you always joked should be on jerry springer. but i know it would have been a beautiful day if you knew how to keep a promise.


right now?


right now i love you.