Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Moments of a past life

Longing for ocean where she swam as a child
for the crystal sparkling depths that lifted
her body up  and gently set it down
floating her away from new born cries
and the pain delivered by the bottle.

the grimy streets filled with children
chasing each other down alley ways
and the hot day relieved with
an ice cream shared between three of them.

The chaos of creating a feast out of
chicken ,rice and tortillas- laughter
and crude jokes ringing against
the background of poverty.

Missing the feel of the muddy dirt
freezing her feet in the cold winter
after a rain- the feel of freedom
beyond chain link fences.


Author notes

http://liseva.deviantart.com/art/Freedon-is-a-dream-111763102

13th

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Nam
    April 7
    Edit | Reply
    "for the crystal sparkling depths that lifted" -- the use of "for" isn't needed in this line.

    "her body up and gently set it down" -- you have an extra space between "up" and "and".

    "chicken ,rice and tortillas- laughter" -- the comma should be after "chicken" and a space between it and "rice".

    Other than those things, a nice poem here.

    -Nam


  • serenity silvermoon
    March 9
    Edit | Reply
    great poem it had a little edge to it is everything ok i know how it feels to grab that bottle i have the same problem with a knife but as time goes on it is getting easyer for me not to you did a great job keep up the great work and remember there are people who care and i am always here for you if you need to talk

    serenity silvermoon

    • Writing0Freedom
      March 9
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks I'm glad you liked it.. Its not about me at all.. but thanks for the offer


  • Violent Serenity
    March 8

    Edit | Reply
    this is a creative masterpiece, i feel like i could have been wandering with you there through the streets and living a happy life through it all. wonderful job. good luck in the contest.
    ~cado


  • Captain Amber SL
    March 4

    Edit | Reply
    I like the contrast in this poem, between the depressing feelings of the present life, and the childish innocence of the past life. It really brings the emotion of the poem to life.

    It's also a good length, not too long or short. However, I would have liked to see more descriptive language.

    I wish you the best of luck, and keep writing and improving your poetry. ^__^

    Aeris Silverlight


  • YouWillBeLoved
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is great for lack of a better word thats not reaching my head.
    I love it and it put a picture in my mind that will make me remember this one for a bit.


  • Angelo di Luce gold member
    February 27
    Edit | Reply
    Very reall pictures painted in fine colors
    thank you


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    February 22

    Edit | Reply
    What a beautiful expression here, you captured everything I hoped for with this prompt. Best to you in the contest


  • Lady Michaella
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    WOW!!! omg... this is AMAZING!! increadibly well done.. fanatastic imagery here.

    Thanks for entering my contest,
    and best of luck!

    Your judge,
    -Lemon Bee-


  • YesterdaysDreams
    February 18
    Edit | Reply
    the grimy streets filled with children
    chasing each other down alley ways
    and the hot day relieved with
    an ice cream shared between three of them.

    The imagery I found in this whole poem but espcially in these lines are astounding. Thank you for entering, good job and good luck in the contest.


  • Paloszoo gold member
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    This is just wonderful. You expressed lovely memories with well chosen words. Great imagery through and through! Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck. It’s an honor to have you show your work here!


  • lindaburns gold member
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    I suppose there could be a little good in the worst of places and certainly at least a little bad in the best of places. You expressed it well. Thank you for entering my contest.


  • Cyanide Dreams
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice. Such great imagery and such a strong emotion. The context was awesome as was the word choice. This really spoke to me, the memories just shown through. It was great. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.

    Josh

1 - 13 of 13