dear love of mine.

do you remember how in p.s. i love you they talked about that look someone gives you when life as you know it ends? that was the first look you gave me. your storybook eyes were glittering in the streetlights, begging for me to open you up and crawl inside your story. you laughed at me with your beautiful mouth and i couldn't get enough of the sound. i fell in love with you on the pavement with the summer night hanging like a canopy of jewels above us, i didn't know it at the time but i learnt it sooner than i could've dreamed. i was only so mean to you because i was scared of you, you should know that by now. i was just a giant defense mechanism, a big ball of worries and fears. but all i saw after that night, was you. your rabid grin and fuzzy head, your band tees and tight dark jeans, your dark skin and big nike shoes.

those summer nights, i'm always going to treasure them; i still take the memories out and polish them when i'm feeling sober enough to not cry. we spent every day together and each day shines brighter in my memory than any diamond ring. i was almost always riding in your passenger seat because i was so embarrassed of my ford escort in comparison to your mazda rx8. but when you were riding shotgun with me my car was more precious to me than any lamborghini simply because you were in it.  we had our first kiss in my car, i remember. it was like 2:30 in the morning, we had spent the whole day together and driven out to your cabin and you kissed me, then, surrounded by a circle of trees and darkness. i didn't mind the dark then because you were always there to keep me safe. now i'm back to being scared of it. that night we fell asleep in each other's arms, regardless of my bucket seats. that summer, i spent many a morning driving back to my house at 6am so i could be back before my parents woke up.

you made my whole life more valuable. before you i was on a path to destruction. most of the time i was too fucked up to even see it. i'm sorry that i didn't even realize i was still doing it while you were with me. because of you, now i have quit drinking and doing drugs and i love myself and i think i'm beautiful even on my bad days and i'm over my eating disorders. you talked me out of everything. your voice was the voice of reason in my head, and now, whatever i do, i hear you telling me if it's right or wrong. most of the time, these days, it's right, and it makes me happy because i can still remember just the way your voice smiled at me when you were proud of me.

having you was a dream come true. i knew it wouldn't last, it was just too perfect. but i couldn't stop myself. you so quickly became my everything; you were in the cracks of my lips and the lines in my fingerprints and i could even feel you to the very marrow of my bones. i existed to glorify you. i could never get enough. after you left... you had been so much my world for so long i didn't know what to do. i still wake up sometimes and wonder why i'm getting up at all, because i won't have you in my day. but i know you want me to keep going so i pick myself up and go, without thinking, until the end of the day, where i sometimes have the strength to dream about you. i don't think i'll ever stop.

i don't know where exactly we stand right now or where we're going. but if you just need me to be a friend to you then i'll do it. i'll be whatever you need me to be. i owe you that much. you were the only person who bothered to tell me i was falling apart at the seams and asked me what i thought. you were the person who made me realize just how little i really knew myself. i want to be the person who makes you smile... i want to be the one who helps you when you're hurting... and i wish it was me that was going to be in your arms this valentine's day.

but i can still pretend.

love always,
your orchid.