it was hard
for you.
you, who had to
lift the weight
off my shoulders
and face the desert
waterless,
all by yourself
beside protecting
your own eyes
from sandstorm.
i got it all
wrong
and can only
begin to understand
what a pyramid of giza
you had to build.
you were no stranger
to the kind of nile
i was forced to weep
every day
and you had more
to anticipate
than me.
so here’s to you,
a crippled poem
which might never
reach you and
i’m sorry.
Author notes
Feb. 13, 2009
I understand your position, how hard it must have been for you, how I may have meant well but I was just another burden, tougher than I perceived, tougher and for a longer time than the others. I meant the opposite. I know this will probably never reach you.
Still, this poem is for you, Chris. I'm sorry.
p i g g y b a c k
Is this cliche?
Comments
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I didn't think this is cliche at all. I loved the metaphors behind this and you have amazing imagery. I think I am going to add you as a favourite so I can read some more. Bravo.
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Your ending was excellent.
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oh how i love reading a poem that dwells in honest emotions.
This was stunning.
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I really like how this has an extremely personal feel to it and the way that it's so raw and real. It definitely makes the emotions stronger. I love the imagery you've created in this.
This is so sad and beautiful. -
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thank you
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i love the personal note feel you gave to this feel and how raw the emotion was, you also had great word choice for each stanza. thanks for entering
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ah i can feel the regret seeping through your words, very well done, thank you for entering
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Absolutely AMAZING.
This is one of the most emotionally raw and beautiful pieces of writing I have stumbled across so far since joining this site. I feel like I could relate to it, even though it's clearly SO very personal.
Absolutely stunning. Thank you for putting it on the site where I was able to find it.
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wow really? Thank you. This is one of my most special-to-me poems so it means a lot when it moves someone else.
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I really loved this. It says a lot without giving anything spefic away allowing the reader (well for me anyway!) to add my own interpretation, and in doing that perhaps it avoids becoming a cliche?
I thought the way you used the spacing really helped add to the emotion, making it seem like the words were coming as a struggle, adding sincerity to what was being spoken.
I found it very moving.
Thanks for sharing it.
x
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Thank you. It means a lot to me that you were moved by it. That's exactly how I felt it.
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I've cheated!
I read all the other peple's comments, before writing this, and clearly, it struck a chord with many women, and made me worry a little about those who were unable to communicate with their apparently friendly partners.
I too enjoyed the lightness of touch, and plainly the feeling is genuine. And yet - the guy seems to have acted decently, and the writer cannot hold herself responsible for the onset of illness, depression, or anything else. So what, in truth, has she to apologise for? Or is there something deeper -- she still hankers for this man? What business is it of mine? None. Good luck, though.
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Wow, that's a thought provoking comment. Thank you!
To answer you... I don't know, are you sure you're talking about the poem and not one of the other comments? In my case - yes, there was something, a situation I could not control that made me react in a way perhaps more desperate than I would have otAs they say, it's not what happens to you bjut how you deal with it... maybe you're right and I do think I feel perhaps more guilty than I should, now, years afterward... and yet I do believe I have something to apologize for. I do not (and never have) want to be a burden on those who are important to me.
Sorry for rambling. As I said, much appreciated comment
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i feel like i've read this before now.
i love the egyptian desert imagery. -
This is great. I agree with the other person who said this used brevity - it did. Beautiful portrayal of emotion, I identified very much. I love the form you used as well, it emphasizes the meaning of the poem.
Thank you for sharing!
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I really enjoyed this one. it was heart felt. sometimes, it's hard to write to that one person that you have something to say. Then, knowing that it might never reach them... it makes it harder to write.
You said much in brevity. Thank you for the good read!
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Thanks a lot. & wow, you thought this used brevity/ I found it too wordy I'm really glad you enjoyed this
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'and you had more
to anticipate
than me.'
I really like this part.
thank you for entering && best of luck -
I love how you kept the desert theme going all the way through the poem, and no it's not cliche. The regret in this simply pours out, and I'm hoping he forgives you because if he actually read this without understanding your sorrow... well, he should feel it. Hard.
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thank you
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PERFECT!
Just perfect. What else can I add?
Thank you for entering this!
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thank you very much
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It's anything but cliche. I feel almost the exact same way about my situation. Still, I always felt that it was for the better with my story. You display the emotions and the guilt and the pain of everything SO well, it brings me back to really look at both sides of my story. Thanks so much for this
Jeanette*~
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Wow, thank you for the awesome comment! If only he could read it and feel the same....
I hope things turn out well for you.
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HUmmz, it was better than those I read today.
liked it
by
the poet of hearts and beautiful words
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Heartwrenching
I have no words. This is so worthy of my respect and admiration. Thank you for sharing something so dear to you! -
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Thank YOU for the sweet comment
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I said these words - in my head - so many times. Wanted to say them out loud to my lovely, caring, ever-supportive husband. He has held my hand in our sand storm and given me all his water supplies when i was dehydrated, i worry he will never forgive me.
Forgive me, I can relate to this so well as i was such a burden to my husband when suffering with depression (although he will not say it).
You have expressed yourself very well here and your descriptions and metaphors are spot on - excellent poem!
Thanks for sharing!
SARAHD -
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Thanks, your comment means a lot!
I don't mean to sound assuming, but can't you just say (or write) it to your husband? If the two of you are still at all in contact, it's never too late... but yes, I know the feeling you speak of. Even though, in my case, it was someone whom I barely knew and who knew me less... so it's a little complicated.
Glad it spoke to you and wish you the best.
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Beautiful Imgination .... hope you read it to the one it is written for.
Love
Susan
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I wish I could.
Thanks for the comment. Much appreciated
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Please, this is such an amazing poem, so spoken from your heart and soul, and I believe that somehow "he" will hear of it, I certainly pray for that and hope so. If nothing else, you have put such a beautiful and heartfelt apology out there, one you have
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Thanks for your kind words. I'm glad you liked it so much and I do hope he reads it. Someday, somehow.
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you were no stranger
to the kind of nile
i was forced to weep
loved that part... "nile" as in a metaphor to the Nile River, right? I thought it was great.
Loved the poem.
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amazing
the flow was spot on
the whole thing worked really well
i am glad you had a learning expirent with this write
great job and good luck
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the Egyptian references might be
The flow worked well. I am intrigued about your inspirations for you poetry. Nice job
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you were no stranger to the kind of nile i was forced to weep every day
this is a powerful set of lines from you. thank you for sharing this with me today. i wish you the best of luck in this contest that you have entered and am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. viyanna rosemarie
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lovely ty for sharing!
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The "weight on my shoudlers" bit is a bit cliched, but the rest is strikingly original, poignant and crisp.
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First of all, you have some beautiful imagery going for you here. My favourite was this bit:
"...and can only
begin to understand
what a pyramid of giza
you had to build.
you were no stranger
to the kind of nile
i was forced to weep
every day..."
What brilliant visuals compacted into this small section of verse!
The end, however, bordered on cliche a bit, but it worked in the context you intended. I do hope that this reaches the person for whom if was written; he would surely fall in love with your words, as I have
Well done, dear poet
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I don't think it's cliched, although there are lines which could be seen that way. I think the beginning and ending lines could be stronger, they read more like prose. The second and third stanzas were the most descriptive to me.
In a way,though, it is vague and doesn't really communicate to me, other than a general sense of pain and regret, and much of this comes from the author notes. -
Excellent translation of this day dream! It is amazing when we allow ourselves to expand and move through the universe. Wonderful imagery and indepth exploratory pathways.
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I dont know the story here.... but this write is pretty good.....
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well, some of the story is in my AN
The whole thing is long and probably boring.
Thanks for reading
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I think you should write it out by hand and mail it to him.
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I wish I could... but I don't know his address and I know he wouldn't want to hear anything from me...
Thank you for reading, though. That means a lot
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this is not cliché at all - it had the potential to be - but you pulled it off beautifully and I really enjoyed all the choking imagery of the dryness and dust - I love the metaphor of how the only life in the landscape arising from your tears you are brilliant!
Polly
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