red moon -
the smell of bushfires
in the city
In a list
A contest entry
- Haiku, Senryu, or Tanka! by TheSpiralGenerator.
1050 points, ended February 19, 2009, 39 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
.
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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That feels kinda sinister...I like
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I think of the obscured moon, hidden by smoke, underneath fires rage.
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Enjoyed your haiku- as always. I read all the comments-
what do you think about:
red moon
over the city
bushfires smell
then it works either way- red moon over the city
and- over the city bushfires smell
does that make sense?
anyway- congratulations on the pretty trophy.
qt:-)
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smell of bushfires
over the city —
red moon
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Strong image although there's no apparent "ah-ha"
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aha
Thanks for reading this one Paul. You are probably right - not so much of an aha, as a hmmmmmn in my last line. Would it have more of an aha moment if it looked like this?
a red moon
over the city
the smell of bushfire -
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Well now this is better but I would have come up with something that hides "bushfire" because that's the mysteryword that prematurely solves/drains the "aha-ha" moment, is it not?
You want the reader to "see" a bushfire - the cause of the red moon and the smell without actually coming out and saying it.
Paul -
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aha
Thanks for coming back to this one, Paul. Do you think the haiku should be more of a riddle, or do you think I'm not leaving enough to the reader's imagination? As Basho was fond of saying to his students "Why say everything?"
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Exactly. I'm not saying to make it necessarily a riddle but it would, I think, make more of the "ah ha" if the bushfire was more obscure that's all. I read this and immediately I know what it is saying.
a red moon
over the city
the smell of bushfire
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aha
OK, that's good, but I don't know how to revise this one. I'll try to come up with some thing. Any suggestions?
As a matter of interest, what is it that the haiku says to you?
Thanks,
Myron. -
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Having gone over this discussion (a second time), I thought, what if he said "the smell of smoke" instead? It still implies fire clearly, but doesn't come right out and say it.
But then, it may also not say enough, in that the reader doesn't know what kind of fire is being spoken of. Since it's in a city, one would naturally assume a burning building is the cause, and thus get the wrong image altogether.
On the other hand, is there ever a "wrong image?" Haiku are designed to be open-ended, after all. I've had people respond to my haiku saying they've seen something in the haiku that I never saw, and I found that to be a refreshing angle, myself.
Here I am, just started your beginner class, and I'm trying to help you with your haiku. XD; "A student is not greater than his (or her) master." . . .
And since I contradict myself, maybe I haven't helped at all. But maybe I sparked an idea? *hopeful*
As they say, write on!
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You know myron I tried to revise this one too and couldn't do it. Perhaps this is one of the points I'm trying to make. When one is asked to add to revise one's haiku maybe the subject matter is such that it revised. There are so many restrictions to haiku that after it is written to a specific subject sometimes it cannot be added to or subtracted from without wrecking it.
In other words, I should just accept the fact that some haiku have less "ah-ha" and some have more - and all that is okay. I should not expect what cannot be asked of a haiku. It is what it is.
What does this ku say to me? It says that In Australia there has been extensive damage done due to brush fires. It affects the color of the moon by turning it red and it also affects the city because the smoke infiltrates it and leaves a smoke smell everywhere.
Still learning.
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This is a winner in my book Myron. Such imagery and relevance. L1 with "red moon" sets the stage perfectly for L2/3 to follow. Devastating times my friend and a stunning haiku to describe it! Straight pro write, Myron.
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oh.. thats sad.. all this bushfire stuff..
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sad
thanks for reading this. yes, you're right - it is tragic.
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wow... this is fantastic,
i love the imagery... in such few words!!
x -
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imagery
thank you very much. glad you read it and left a comment. much appreciated.
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Congratulations on the Bronze for this intense and timely Haiku!
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intense
thank you very much. i appreciate it. congrats on your gold! Nice emotional work.
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congradulations on the bronze
stunning and sad, its still snowing here! forever
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hits home
Myron I've been reading a lot of bush fire haiku on Aha recently but none seem to have caught the moment as well as this. Main focus has been on the tragedy, of which we are all aware. This however, in true haiku style, concentrates on the sense images. I can taste the air and see the acrid haze that taints the moon. It must have been pretty bloody scary.
Well done mate and glad all is well
Alan (Tishu)
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bushfire
Yes, Alan you're right - it was frightening and tragic. The fires didn't threaten the suburbs or city but we could smell and see the smoke.
Thanks for your wonderful compliment.
Yours in haiku,
myron.
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great
I've been watching the bush fire news... hope none of them have come too near you myron.
Very evocative.
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bushfires
Thanks for your concern. My family and me are safe, but my brother in law lost his house. he;s unharmed though, and that's the main thing.
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This was a wonderfully written haiku, I have never been able to write them but I am so glad others can. they are so enjoyable to read... This one had power and strong imagery that I truly enjoyed, thank you very much for sharing!
Angel
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imAGERY
thanks Angel, for reading this haiku and for leaving a comment. i appreciate it.
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love the powerful image you've shared here Myron. Long time no see!
love it.. no doubt this is about the recent fires,
have thought about you many times these days.
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fire
Hi red! yes, it's about the ongoing bushfires here. Thanks for reading. Hope you are ok.
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great use of imagery here, and you conveyed such a strong emotion in so few lines. i could almost smell the fires when reading it =] keep up the profound work
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profound
Thanks!!!!!
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Vivid!
You have allowed me to see a snapshot of what you must have viewed.
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snapshot
Yep, that's right Howard. glad you coculd see what i saw.
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I adore haiku and this one is not exception. You have some beautiful imagery here that stands out to the reader! The title caught me and the rest drew me in and held me. Such a beautiful picture with words here. Well done! Bravo!
Lily ♥
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picture
Thanks Lily! very pleased to get your comments. Thanks for reading!
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it's a very short poem, but within a few words you have created a very powerful image. The word red, made me think of fire before you even mentioned it. I love the way you have mentioned the smell, that gives it such a strong sense of reality. It is brilliant.
Holly. -
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red
Thank you very much Holly - nice to get your perceptions on this haiku.
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is it ment to be a haiku? irregardlesss it is still very descriptive with so few words... it makes me miss california...the fires were so devastating but i loved them...so thanks for the memories..look forward to reading it when its revised
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So very good, and unfortunately shows a sad reality.
Thought of you and other Australian friends those last days. Hope all is well.
Mari
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Very effective. Very relevant to now.
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Good!
Excellent haiku, Myron! I have dropped in to wish you and yours a Very Happy Valentine's Day! May God bless you two. Nicely laid out haiku with L2 being the longest line. The imagery is very clear throughout. I like the use of the sense of smell in L2.
Here is something I got inspired to pen down after reading yours:-
red moon -
the smell of bushfires
chases a star
Char
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Beautiful. but isn't smell a sense, and you can't see scents? I really like this though
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senses
yes, in haiku we can use any of the five senses.
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