VI.
Thoughts formulating, snap into position
the tainted times permeating the sun spot shadows
pasted on the sidewalk
They are riding on the coattails of tomorrow
arms balance beaming to keep up with nirvana
trying to find out what it means to be today
Generation anesthesia sliding down your throat
and blocking out the noise.
V.
Injected with glowing potions
and diving into empty pools graffitti covered in a passion,
we are desperation
Head sore and crawling down the side thrown roads
sick with fevers that plagued our fathers
they are holier-than-thou and praying on bent knees to the exulted lord of lost control
Hands cold with wanting you
they slap face back to reality with a dim bulbed flashlight, soaking tunnel walls with an artificial sunlight
the heat off their hands guiding away knowing looks from wandering minds
IV.
Stereos pump to the beat of their feet
adrenaline filled and tension, running off the hinges of the gateway drug
into the arms of underground runaway trains, the smell of filth in their mouth like fear
Thinking they'll find themselves by the light of a crime fire
in their lungs, tearing and clawing the walls of stucco
that keeps unruly youth in their place
Cowering in the wet darkness
marred the George Reeves kissed lawns
and sprawled out in a handbasket, floating down to heat
Skin bubbling with bugs in a lust for ignorance
recreated nightly with the currency in their veins, they will pay in wine and water
III.
Who, love drunk and embracing the human condition, remember times
of neon sandalwoods smells, of smoking jade and emerald under the blazing streetlamps of crystal lined streets
with the stinging eyes of the soon to be born
Of holy white hospital gowns drenched in liquid oxycodone dreams
of fake IDs and taped IVs
of stomach pumps and midnight screams
Of her, stomping up flights in a blank stilletto hurry
metal thrusting anticipations sticking the aluminum tipped wonders
to the cold steel stairway
opposites attracting with less than good intentions
Of being awaken, horrid headache, to the aftermath of some chemical vertigo
grease filled and pining for cold showers, empty pocket memories left behind
II.
they are fireworking the sky with angry revalations
and taking mortal hostages in a black mask fury
shooting stars into tissues and oxygen life, infusing lost meaning with train track foot lifts
I.
Pretend you love me, with your upturned radiant
white teeth smile
and as we watch the bright hallucinations, the cactus will hold us in their arms and dance
I told you obsession is sexy, so stand outside my window
in the darkness of the drunk moon stupidity
and write poetry on the sills, in small font, caps lock, size twelve, bold.
Author notes
This is about the downward spiral I see the people around me going into - slowly but surely, our generation will lose themselves to lives of destruction.
A contest entry
- want me to indulge you? okay, I will. by broken-colours.
1750 points, ended October 13, 149 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For my favourites and the 'Beautiful Minds Dark Addictions' group by Winged Unicorn.
700 points, ended February 26, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - That is some deep sh** by once.
650 points, ended February 14, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Remember me in my opaqueness. by whiterabbit..
525 points, ended March 29, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Existentialism by Envelope.
1900 points, ended March 10, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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this is really fascinating and kind of depressingly scary.
a few suggestions:
in V, last stanza, 2nd-3rd line; you could use a synonym for 'flashlight' or 'sunlight' just to prevent the repetition of "light."
that could just be me being weird, though. :]
IV: 'adrenaline filled and tension' that doesn't make much sense. did you mean tense?
III: last stanza, awaken should be awakened. also you could put a hyphen between 'grease' and 'filled' to clarify that it was filled with grease.
I love the ending. It's not chilling, but it's...unsettling. amazing job.
'I told you obsession is sexy, so stand outside my window
in the darkness of the drunk moon stupidity
and write poetry on the sills, in small font, caps lock, size twelve, bold.'
wow. great job
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I love the way that you've written this. The whole style is just wonderful & it flows beautifully. Your word choice & descriptions are perfect and they add so much to the piece. I can tell that you definitely have a talent for writing.
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I think "Syringing" in V. may sound better as "injected". The gerund tosses off the flow a little bit.
Get rid of "the" in "sick with the fevers", it's not needed.
I'm not sure the s at the end of "tunnels" is supposed to be there. "tunnels walls" just sounds really odd to me.
I think in VI. the stanza:
"Cowering in wet grass darkness
marring the George Reeves kissed lawns
and sprawled out in a handbasket, floating down to heat" could be switched around a bit.
Maybe something like:
"Cowering in wet, darkness
marred the George Reeves kissed lawns
and sprawled out in a handbasket, floating down to heat" would sound better. The flow is just really weird to me there, but I do love the idea behind it. I think there were just too many gerunds (-ing) in there.
"Of holy white hospital gowns drenched in liquid oxycodone dreams
of fake IDs and taped IVs
of stomach pumps,"
Is insanely strong, but I don't really like the "one-two-three"... maybe find something stronger to replace it with?
Okay, if you've been able to bear with me during the constructive stuff, here's my personal opinion:
It's awesome. I'm with Lowercase about the countdown thing, very creative and fresh to me. I know a lot of people like this, in fact, the majority of my friends are living this and I kind of feel like I'm heading down my path as well. So this is a kind of scared straight thing for me.
You kept my attention through the whole thing, and it's just fabulous.
♣ Tegan
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thank you for your helpful comments, its always nice to get something other than the normal "Nice write".
i'll work on your suggestions; this style of writing is a bit new to me, so i appreciate all the help i get!
Thanks again! <3 -
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No problem, and hey, kudos for trying out a new style. It's really hard to do, and it shows a lot of guts to take a leap like that. But it turned out really well, I just have the tendency to be a little nit-picky about what I read. Those were honestly the only problems that I found... I thought this was awesome.
The only real advice I can give is watch your gerunds (-ing). I know how easy it is to use them, they were like my favorite things for a while, but they can really affect the piece negatively if used too much.
Glad that I could help!
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I know exactly what your saying; as I was writing this piece it struck me how many times I was using words ending in -ing! I'm glad you pointed this out, because now that it's in my head, I probably won't use gerunds as much.
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Yeah, lol, it never came across to me until someone pointed it out. And then it's like... sudden epiphany. Haha. Thanks for the add by the way!
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I like the creativity you put into this. Like the Roman numerals being used to indicate the countdown. Brilliant
And then alongside that, you have a piece that is penned with such depth and terrific imagery
Great work here -
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thank you so much :]
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you are welcome
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I really liked a lot of the imagery you presented in this piece, you used some interesting word choices and the format drew me in. However, some parts felt a bit forced, like words were thrown together because they sounded nice, but were done in a hasty manner. Overall, I enjoyed your style and the abstraction in this piece, nice job!
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Thank you!
I did force it a bit, I think. I might have been trying just a little too hard to branch off from my normal style of writing.
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Good
I love the tone and imagery within this piece and I like the subject you chose. Thanks for entering : )
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