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My Thoughts in the Front Hall

Your body's here, but you've moved on.
Your mind, your heart, your soul is gone.

This quiet town, your quiet bride,
They fail to keep you satisfied.
Your dreams are coloured by the night
In purples, blacks, and glaring whites.

Your thoughts are straying to the door.
Farewells are said, then said once more.
The hills are silent, listening.
My tears are violent, glistening.

You leave. I grieve. You fail to see,
The wreck that has become of me.


hm...

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • YourTruestIntention
    April 16

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    i'm sorry for your loss. again: you are SO talented. you just have this way with words--i love how you're able to say so much with such simplicity... and yet there's so much ambiguity.... but i can seriously feel your pain in this piece.


    • SomeGirlYouKnew
      April 16
      Edit | Reply
      you said 'i'm sorry for your loss.' so. i just wanted you to know. that this isnt literal. i was going to say it isnt real. but everything is somehow real. and this is as real as the things that are actually about my life. but. well... this kind of happened to me. i dont know. as you say. its ambiguous.

  • Topnotchsy
    February 22

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    The rhyming here is really great and lends itself to being read in a slow, soft voice (to me anyway.) The rhythm was really, really great all the way through, the only line which deviated in the slightest was the second line in the second stanza which was the only line which began with a stressed syllable. Even that line reads quite well, though it may be something to consider (maybe something like: "Have failed to keep you satisfied" ) a simple change that might not keep the emotional content you are going for, but it may be something to consider because of the rhythm.

    As far as the poem, I really like emotions are strong, though I'm not quite sure who is who in the poem. Are you the "quiet bride" or are you someone else? I may just be missing it.

    • SomeGirlYouKnew
      February 22

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      good call on the rhythm.
      i think ill change that.

      yes. im the bride.
      i mean. the "i" in the poem. shes the bride.

      • Topnotchsy
        February 22
        Edit | Reply
        Glad I could be of some help (no matter what in the end the poem is the author's and there's always more to each line than the reader ever gets, so when I offer an opinion I do so knowing that there's a good chance the poet was looking in a slightly different direction, but when it is helpful, it's always nice to see, as we are all here trying to get better at this "writing habit" we have.

        Thanks for clarifying as well.

        I also have to tell you, your page is one of the most intriguing, thought provoking pages I have ever come across on this site!!


  • Shrat
    February 12

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    This is really good. The rhyme was done excellently, especially those with multiple syllables and inside lines. I love the first two lines especially, they really drew me in, and were just penned very well.

    I know you said you wanted constructive criticism, but I really can't see anything. Topnotchsy is a great person to ask for that, though I'm not even sure he could find anything that needs improving in this poem. I don't think I've ever read a poem on here where there was nothing about the rhythm that sounded wierd, and I have rhythm OCD, so that says a lot. Amazing job!!

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