This is my final letter,
my letter of good-bye.
I am sick of living a lie here,
sick of going through each day
just happy to have made it through another one.
I know if you are reading this
you may be asking, “why?”
If that is the case,
then you really never knew me then;
you never saw the pain I held inside.
You couldn’t see the subtle clues I gave,
the slight hints to the help I longed to get,
but never got.
If you are one of those people,
you were probably never one of my “real” friends,
if I actually had any,
just some acquaintance friendship,
just like all the others.
If you did care though,
if you actually were a “friend,”
I am sorry.
I may have let you down,
and you may have wanted to help,
but you had your chance,
and there was probably nothing you could have done anyways,
I was far too gone for so long,
it just took me a while to get the guts to go through with it.
It’s hard to look back and see that most things around me were a lie.
It just took me a long time to realize
that I was going no where.
Growing up I thought I had friends,
and I was good at sports,
I was popular,
I apparently had it all,
but I didn’t,
people just made me think that I did.
They only harmed me in the end.
I started to realize how on the outside I was,
and the loneliness began to creep in subtly,
slowly,
and as if a morning mist was rolled back,
so were my eyes to what my life was really like.
I thought that I could turn it around,
try to fit in,
and try to make friends,
be social,
and be happy.
The only thing that I had in the end
was the knowledge of how to fake it.
I didn’t go to parties or drink,
and I was made fun of for that.
In fact,
I wasn't even invitied to them,
I was never asked or told about anything that went on.
I was invisible,
or rather,
just something that was in the way that everyone stepped over.
I was constantly told I was overweight,
and so I never had the self-esteem to stay strong.
I tried to fix that,
I tried to run more and eat less,
I tried to skip meals,
but it wasn’t working.
People still made fun of me,
my teammates cared less about me,
my coach tore me apart,
my family was naive and laughed at me,
and people around me were not my friends.
I did believe in God,
and I was a Christian,
but all I ever saw in that
was people who were fake.
Most of them are hypocrites
and they try to impose it on me and everyone else to change.
Don’t get me wrong,
I love my God,
and I can't wait until I see Him face to face,
but I will not stand by and follow people who say one thing
and then turn around and do another.
Most people at this school are like that.
I don’t want to be anything like them.
All I have ever felt since coming here is a pressing loneliness
and an emptiness that causes the tears to stain my cheeks each night.
But no one sees that.
or cares to notice.
And when it all fell apart,
I turned to the blades,
the only pain that I finally could control,
the only thing that seemed to make sense,
but even that began to lose its' effect on me in time.
Like any addiction,
I became numb to it
and it took more each time,
but I didn't want that,
I wanted it to be over with.
All I ever wanted was for someone to see me,
someone to actually understand me,
and for people to love me.
All I wanted was for someone to hug me and just hold me
and to tell me that it was going to be alright.
Maybe things could have turned out differently,
but I guess now we will never know.
I hope the ones who didn’t care for me,
I wish you now wonder what could have been,
for you were missing out on a lot,
and now you’ll never get that chance to know.
To the few,
if any,
who did care,
know that the pain is finally gone,
and the tears are no more.
Know that sometimes,
just for a moment,
my smile was a real one,
something that I was not faking.
I was never one to quit,
and do not see this as such.
See it as a cure to what could not be healed,
and a cure for all the sorrow.
I am sorry for the words I wish to say to you
but find I simply cannot
for I never would be able to express them.
So this is my final letter,
my letter of good-bye.
Finally I am gone from here,
and will never cry another tear.
Bronze trophy winner
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