i. beat the walls like sugar-canes,
like grapes to be danced into a vat,
like the pulsing thrum of heartbeat
beneath the skin of a stalking panther –
beat them like rebellion,
like the stamp of feet on Trafalgar,
like the drums calling your sons to die.
ii. and twine – wrap the world around your finger,
warp and twist the world asunder,
stretch the fabric of time like a slingshot
until absolutely nothing is absolute.
iii. it is not your fault. it is the blood,
it is the blood, you are thrumming once again,
there are places you have never been
and yet are living now. there are things that should not be –
they slid past your lips so sweetly
and they joined the drum-line, joined the chorus,
they are pulsing.
iv. o
the walls are bending. they are writhing.
v. your skin is her skin is their skin;
touch like a brand,
like the scarring hiss of iron –
it is primal.
the shape you are is proud, is
beautiful,
is nothing and everything and
the way they move – it is a tribe.
it is a coliseum. it is
a single quaking amalgam
of all that may be called Night.
Author notes
these days, wild is chemical.
A contest entry
- 50.000 points for drinking and writing [multiround prelims] by divebar.
610 points, ended May 19, 2009, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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2 is definitely the strongest. it fades a little in the middle, but the overarching theme is driven home pretty effectively. repetition really works for this piece, helps to reinforce whats already there.
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This is how I'd format it:
i.
beat the walls like sugar-canes,
like grapes
to be danced into a vat,
and the pulsing thrum
of heartbeat
beneath skin of a stalking panther –
beat them like rebellion,
like the stamp of feet on Trafalgar,
and drums...
calling your sons to die.
ii.
and twine–
wrap the world
around your finger,
warp and twist it asunder,
stretch fabrics of time
like a slingshot
until absolutely nothing
is absolute.
iii.
it is not your fault.
it is the blood...
it is the blood
you are thrumming
once again
and there are places
you have never been,
yet are living now.
there are things
that should not be –
they slid past your lips
so sweetly
and they joined the drum-line;
joined the chorus
they are pulsing.
iv.
the walls are bending;
they are writhing.
v.
your skin is her skin
is their skin;
touch like a brand,
like the scarring hiss of iron–
it is primal.
the shape you are is proud,
is beautiful,
is nothing and everything
and the way they move–
it is a tribe.
it is a coliseum.
it is a single quaking amalgam
of all that may be called
Night –
and it is you.
There were a few places where filler words are used to excess, such as "the", "it is" and "like" where I feel you could've been more creative. Also, by using appropriate line-breaking, emphasis is placed in precise areas...whereas before, your format forces your audience to assume their own emphasis and also forces them to learn where to breathe, to pause etc. It is the poet's job to dictate the flow...not the reader's job to simply assume it & that's where I marked you down and why. I hope this helps you to understand me a little better
Laura
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Thank you for your insight ^.^
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93
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 6/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 93
I deliberated giving this an X Factor for quite a while...content-wise, it's very good. But presentation-wise...line-breaks and format let you down for me I'm afraid.
Laura
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um. can I ask where you would re-shape the line-breaks and format to improve this piece? I've been working on writing more conservatively in that respect for this contest - vignettes i to iii were spaced only on the natural ends of phrases. vignette v was the only one with instances of my preferred abstract spacing, and even then, it was done with deliberation to show the break-down of - sobriety, perhaps, I should say. of order. as to the format - should I avoid using vignettes? I'm confused, and would like to improve, but it's difficult without knowing where you feel I'm going wrong.
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101 X-Factor
Originality 10
Creativity/Poetic device 9
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 10
Impact/Reaction 9
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 4
syntax: 5
Title: 5
overall opinion: 5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5
Total possible: 100
Oh wow. The reason I'm X-Factoring this is because it actually sounds amazing. The repetition and the word usage and the letters.
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100 - X Factor
Originality 10/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Toal: 100 X Factor
The only criticism I have is the repetition of "like" - perhaps it was too much. Also, there was an excessive amount of pronouns.
Besides that, I like how you used repetition in the second vignette, it emphasized the pulsing concept.
In retrospect, the repetition added to the emotion immensely, so that may have actually worked to your advantage overall.
The ending was powerful. As a whole, it was stellar.
And...what I like about this, too, is that it doesn't focus on a personal experience, but seems to concentrate on the world at large -- which is different in comparison to most of the entries I've read throughout the competition.
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