The years of a little girl's life,
with games and fairy-tales;
The days,
when the only man in the world
is her daddy
are numbered.
The only promise she knows
is the promise her father made;
engraved in the binds of dowry.
Astricted unions,
entrenched in the fibers of cultures
where everyday rapes
are rationalized.
Dirty little secrets,
buried in rural pockets
of Africa's heart.
Wedded partners;
separated
by half a century.
Countries thrive in a time
when the value of a baby girl
can be weighed in livestock.
A mere trading tool;
affianced...intended to serve.
A powerless pawn
in a husband's village;
force fed the "blessing"
of a family,
that will never really be
her own.
"Love"
carves a hole;
leaking disgrace
in infantile parts.
Underdeveloped wombs
regurgitating their obligation
to bore the seeds of her nightmare.
Only praying
she doesn't conceive
a princess.
destine to link
Kenya's circle
of life.
Immature brain capacities,
ever knowing;
that her wild dreams
will only run into penitentiaries
of brick walls.
Defeated... hope decays.
Divorce
is not her choice to make.
She accepts
an eternity of misery.
And Hell burns rampant
with the innocence
of big brown eyes,
and angel faces;
dripping reality into crushed petals
of happily ever after.
The years of a little girl's life
are numbered
down to eight.
Author notes
constructive criticism is appreciated.
http://allpoetry.com/column/2349745#
Prompt: wild
When I thought of the word wild, for some reason the first thing that came to mind was how wild it is how such cruel things(like the forced marriage of little girls sometimes as young as eight years) are engraved so deeply in some cultures.
I would love a critical comment on how I can make these lyrics better.
Comments
-
77
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 7/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 6/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 8/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 3/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 3/5
Title: 3/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 77
I'm in agreeance with the other judges here.
Laura
-
I think this was a really wonderful thing to write about. When I realized your theme, it kept me reading, kept me going and wondering where you would take it.
A unique, insightful piece Amy
My only criticism would be to try to make your phrasing more affective. There were no parts that stood out from one another, you know what I mean? Try phrasing it in a way that changes, emphasizes certain parts in the piece, maybe, that is just how I personally feel . . .
Still think you did an excellent job.
-
84
Originality 9
Creativity/Poetic device 8
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 9
Impact/Reaction 8
mechanics: 3
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 4
syntax: 3
Title: 4
overall opinion: 4
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
Total possible: 100
Totally agreed with Tyler. Great content, just not-as-great presentation. -
80
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 7/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 8/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 8/10
Impact/Reaction 8/10
mechanics: 3/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 3/5
Title: 4/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 80
Based on subject matter, I think this is something that shoulda-woulda-coulda- called for X Factor content. However, the sentence structure was a bit off in a lot of spots. I think if you reread you'll catch the bulk of them. Also, it wasn't creatively up to par as your usual. You primarily told, instead of showed. With a solid foundation of a main metaphor or sets of related metaphors, this would have definitely been X Factor material, due to the imagery that would have not only brought out the message more appealingly, but emphasized the emotion and convinction as well.
Even with my criticism set aside, this is good, because there is an important message here. It's educational about another culture.
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