i know it's a pre-write contest;

however, the thingy to enter a prewrite
isn't working on my laptop  : /



so, i just want to let you know that
the following is previously written
&& is not a fresh write.








to whom it may c o n c e r n;



------------------------------
11.03.08

i. |9:57 am|

fists grip hair
as stomach clenches-
convulsing,
fighting the urge;

i need this.

    eyes blur
    as defeat sets in.
tears wash bile
from porcelain.

    & its over,
another failed attempt
to overcome the demon.


ii. |2:38 pm|

loneliness creeps in
& silence hangs thick
in air coated black
with smoke from
lips you've long

          forgotten.

------------------------------
11.4.08

i. |3:14 am|

bloodshot eyes
stare into darkness
    as cold, crisp air

hugs naked skin.

sleep beckons
& i would love to follow,
    but visions of you
torture nerve endings

& skin stands erect
    with chill bumps
& wishing you were

here
          to light my fire.



ii. |9:45 am|

sleepy eyed & cranky--

i must've cried
myself to sleep
somewhere between
the cigarettes
& the sleeping pills
that never really work;


why am i up so early?



iii. |7:44 pm|

blinking blue
on my phone
          is it you?

no.

just bri, checking
to see that i'm still

          alive.

how do i tell her
that i'm not quite sure?

i'm breathing,
          but i'm not alive.

& its always been you
by my side -
   
reminding me to eat;
    picking me up
    off dirty bathroom tile
    & wiping the bile
    from my lips.

noone ever saved me
quite the way you did;

noone ever killed me
quite so well either.

------------------------------
11.05.08

i. |6:54 pm|

she said -
you need to eat
you're looking a bit
          gaunt,
are you sure
you're feelin ok?

lips kiss my forehead
& hands check for fever.

how do i tell her
that i enjoy this pain?

the fatigue & exhaustion,
it brings a certain comfort.

how do i tell mommy
her little girl
longs for death?


          i was born to self destruct.

------------------------------
11.07.08

i. |1:14 pm|

you plagued my dreams
last night -

          you held me tight
& kissed me to sleep;


i woke up naked
with your scent
on my skin-

          counting back from 100,

maybe you'll be
waiting for me
when i get up.

------------------------------
11.11.08

i. |10:17 pm|

weakness washes
over bones on ice,
flesh incinerates -
inside & out;


when will this fever break?

------------------------------
2.11.09

i. |5:23 am|

my tears grow cold
waiting for your
sad; hollow
                  apology;

& i know it's not
coming. i know.

but still i wait --
    the light in my eyes
[the one that burns for you]
    yeh, it won't seem to snuff out
    no matter how hard i try

to make it go away.

ii. |7:54 am|

i'm looking in the mirror
trying to pull the bruises
from my neck;
                      scars of lust.

trash. whore.
                        gutter slut.

that's what you said,
              isn't it?

that i didn't matter.
            you didn't care.


      well let's see how much you
                "don't care"
      when your flesh is buried
        beneath my fingernails.





























c e ll a r . d oo r