Glass
Such an intricate thing
Easily broken
A boundry between you and I
Sadness visible on your face
We talk for hours
Slowly you raise your hand
Carefully placed on the barrier
Such a simple gesture
I slowly raise my hand
Carefully I align it with yours
Deprived of your warmth through the glass
As my hand mirrored yours
We exchange pieces of our hearts
Reading each-other like a book
Neither wanting to part
Distantly your name is called
Disappointed we both rise
As you turn and walk away
I memorize the last words exchanged
I miss you
Author notes
If there is anything, anything at all you think I could improve on I would greatly appriciate it! This didnt exacly come out how I was hoping but it's close. It's about my visit with my friend who's in jail. I was to focus on the hands touching through the glass image. Constructive Critisism Encouraged!
What do you think I could improve?
Comments
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Poetric
i actually loved it, that was so creative.
i thought it was amazing, such short lines, but so much impact left.
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Thanks for the read Im glad you liked it!
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Ok well I personally thought this poem was very good.
But I didn't want to disappoint you and not leave any criticism...
So I looked for something to say, and I confirmed that line 16 is sort of... I don't know... blunt, obvious... it's hard to explain. Maybe you could use different word choice.
And also, the ending was great, but I think the last line could have been changed around a bit, maybe something like "come back" or "don't leave" that will leave the reader thinking. "I miss you" is sort of boring and doesn't require much thought.
This was great! Thanks for letting me practice my criticism on you! ^_^ Good luck with this and let me know if my advice helped
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Thank you for the suggestions. Ill put thought into changing the last line, just not sure exacly what to yet. Thanks for the read
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Its a painful experience, yes?
Nothing worse than having to say that goodbye at the end of visiting hours..almost like mourning. Nothing replaces that emptiness nor fear and concern that you experience under those circumstances. The hand touching the glass is almost like trying to touch a ghost. or a body at a funeral..." see where Im going with this? I knew right away where you were. I knew the feeling you were trying to convey because I had been there. But what about someone who hasnt? Give them more of an experience thru that pane of glass. Understand? Loved it..brought back sad memories.
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Alright thanks for the ideas Im pretty sure I know where you were going. Ill try and revise this poem with that in mind. Thanks again for the read and ideas
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Been there done that.
I empathize with you and what you are experiencing as far your poem I was touched.
The only thing I can think of to offer in the way of changing anything in this read is mayber using different types of descriptions that would cause the reader who hasan't felt this for themselves to understand your angst on a deeper level.
Personally I love this write and think you've created an accurate description of what it's like to be forced to commincate with someone you love between plexi glass and the frustration of being timed and monitored.
Great write!
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Thank you for the read and you described it best when you said there is fustration in going to see them. Its so bitter sweet. Thanks again for reading
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intersante!
When I read this I saw it in a prision, I'm not sure how you did it, but it was perfect in imagry. There is no structure however, no rules to your poem, which makes it very hard to read. But on the same sense of that, I think that makes up a big part of your poem as well. I liked the title, it would have been easy to call it "Glass" but it was like you took it a step forward in calling out the glass for what it is. -
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D'aw thank you very much Im glad that I succeeded in putting forth the image of a prison! That was one of my main goals lol. Thanks got the read!
Shannyn
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I really like this write, but I have to disagree with your first line. Glass isn't simple at all. Natural glass is made when lightning strikes the sand heating it so quickly that it becomes clear. Perhaps only something so complicated could stand between the simplicity of a love so pure.
My first impression was that I wanted to hear more about your surroundings. There are so many places glass separates us from one another. Maybe a hospital or jail. Wherever you are, I love that you felt the warmth through the glass.
That's poetry.
Thanks for the great read.
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Thank you for the suggestions! I took what you said about glass not being simple into consideration and had to agree with you. I appriciate the help! Thanks again!
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Towards the middle, when you go seriously in detail about touching each others' hands through the glass...yeah, that drags. It's very slow, and although slow is good in some places, here it's too slow.
You use the word "barrier" three times in this whole poem, and that seems excessive. Is there another way you could keep the meaning without having to refer to it so much? it belabors the point a bit much. For instance, the last time you say "barrier", I feel you could take out the whole line it's in and not miss anything.
I feel you don't have to mention that you two are "heartbroken", at least not explicitly. Show it in descriptions and imagery, but don't say it so baldly.
I hope that helps. -
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Thank you for the suggestions. I took some into consideration and changed a couple things. I appriciate the help! Thanks again
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Nice write. I was able to pick up on the location quite quickly.
I liked the idea for the poem and believe that there is a tremendous amount of emotion that can be captured for a poem in such a setting. While I did like the poem, I wonder if there may be a few changes that could make it even better.
I didn't really feel the imagery in the first stanza. I didn't get anything out of "Such a simple thing."
You write:
"Feeling warmth through the glass"
Do you really feel the warmth, or is the warmth merely a memory, something you long to feel, and wish you could again feel?
"As we touch the barrier"
Is there a more descriptive way to "paint" this? Maybe, "as my hand mirrored his" (just a suggestion)
Again, I do like the poem, but think it could use some edits to make the feeling more powerful.
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Thank you so much for the suggestions, im definatly going to consider them! I appriciate the help!
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Be formless; Shapeless Like water :-)
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I think it's really good. I noticed a couple of typos: 4th stanza - should be "our hearts" vs "out hearts". Last stanza, 1st line - I thought there might be a stronger word than vaguely. Something to think about . . .
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Thanks a bunch for the correction spell check doesnt get everything I guess eh lol. I was thinking of a stronger word too....couldnt think of one. I was initially going to use 'suddenly' but didnt think that quite fit either. Thanks again!
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Agree - suddenly is not quite right. I think you want the sense that the experience has been interrupted ... I know there's a word out there somewhere! LOL
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I changed it from vaguely to distantly, what do you think?
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That's better! There may be an even better one lurking! LOL If I come up with a better suggestion I'll let you know!
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Haha alright thanks!
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