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News.

we sipped the rain from
crumbled paper cups
sucking at the silent strength
we share, underneath.

and when the moon
swung at our feet
we stood on toes tipped
to midnight blades
of breezed-through summer evenings.

fingers melted into morning dew
(and our hair smelt of strawberry fields
and forevers--)

we ran through evanescent
forests and hills

to bring them news of tomorrow:


where gumdrop stars never lie
and every glass of milk
spills into the sea.

Author notes

prompt: hair that smelled of strawberry fields

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • XxShOoTiNgStArxX
    August 2

    Edit | Reply
    Awww, I tought this was a very beautiful write! I love the prompt!! I love what You turned this into.. Great choice of words here!!
    Congrats on the trophy!! Well deserved! :-)
    *Kelsi*


  • sideways hourglass
    February 22

    Edit | Reply

    Yes

    "(and our hair smelt of strawberry fields
    and forevers--)"
    was very corny, in contrast to the rest of the poem. It seemed tacked on, too. Also, I usually find brackets distracting. That information should be useful in the future.

    I loved everything else. Very good.

    • NothingButShrooms
      February 22

      Edit | Reply
      ... yea. it was rather tacked on.
      i wrote the jist of the poem and needed the original contest's prompt soemwhre in there.
      ah well. i'm glad you liked it and i'll bear that it mind. ^^


  • Bean Sidhe silver member
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    This, in my humble opinion, was a well earned bronze trophy. The prompt was probably very intentionally left vague and I love where you went with it! The poetic devices of alliteration, amazing imagery and formatting all worked well together to create a lovely piece of work!

    For whatever reason, the last three lines made the most impact for me. By that point, I wasn't seeking sense, but was enthralled with the beauty of make believe that came across so flawlessly that I found myself kicking my feet in my chair, like a small child.

    Kudos to you and congratulations on the trophy!


  • Loki silver member
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. Vivid imagery here. I loved the hint of alliteration in the first stanza. sipped, sucking, silent, strength and share, and of course the c words played in with that deliciously. The ending was purely fantastic. I feel inclined to go read the winners of this contest to see why you didn't place higher. had it been my contest, this would be gold.

    • NothingButShrooms
      February 18
      Edit | Reply
      hey, thanks so much
      to be honest this poem was one of the few that i was really proud of.
      just the whle imagery and wording. (and im not be egocentrc or anything)
      but it surprised me
      haha
      now im gonna go eat a major dose of humble pie to make up for that....


  • written-in-ink
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    for some reason i feel in love with this
    i am sure it is because it reminds me a bit of me and of all my favorites
    when first read it i thought it was my friend who had wrote it

    its amazing
    and i really feel inclined to add you to my favorites
    <33

1 - 9 of 9