This is how you speak
"All around the stone--
but not of stone.
You make a silk scarf
that stands there.
Covering but not touching--
empty and invisible.
You speak of gentle folds,
flowing edges,
water colours,
softness."
This is how we hear
We all know you speak of the stone.
In the back of our minds.
In our shoes.
Under our feet.
In our minds eye we see
your scarf.
Our invisible blindfold.
Silk is preferable.
This is the stone
I am hard, grey, defined.
These silken words deny
my reality.
This is the truth
The stone is real.
The scarf is not.
We see the scarf.
We do not see the stone.
Author notes
I appear to have done your contest in opposite. I've explored turning a lie into the truth - sorry about that. No hard feelings if you have to kick me out.
I dedicate this to my boss. This is how he talks.
I have always been interested in the nature of truth, whether we can ever know it, what the point of knowing it might be, whether it can even exist and how we can change what the truth is. It is all so creepy. I'm glad I do not do advertising or PR, it would be way to trippy.
Feb 9th
A contest entry
- The truth of lies by Just4u.
400 points, ended February 10, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best February Prewrites from These Dates: by Paloszoo.
700 points, ended March 2, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Simple words, with profound underlying meanings. Beautiful! Love it! Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck. I'm honored to have you show your wonderful work here.
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Hurray! K8 is back and her poetry is still as superb as ever...the last stanza was the most powerful for me.
"The stone is real.
The scarf is not.
We see the scarf.
We do not see the stone."
Such simplicity in intial thought, yet those seemingly impossible contradictions reveal more then just the true meaning/theme of the piece. They truly force the reader to reflect on the past, their character, their own morals and opens their eyes to a reality that seemed so stark at first, but now muddled with the confusion of gray.
I love how you chose to put such a twist on the piece....very few would in such a meaty contest, but you took the meat and made sausage, so that to me should have merited you a higher score...but honorable mention? At least it was a mention...
Only one section really didn't work for me...
"I am hard, grey, defined.
These silken words deny
my reality. "
The blantant listing of adjectives, followed by an immediate explanation of "these silken words" felt forced and did nothing to expand the cursive flow of the rest of the piece. They felt almost like a paragraph shoved into a haiku.
But overall, magnificent work
~Hippie
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So instead of giving you a life lesson like dear "Just4u" underneath me, I'll actually comment on your poem.
This was a really good poem. Like, I read it in about two minutes, understood it, and had time to think about the depth of it. Even without your author notes, I could have explained it to a monkey. And I am not taking away from the depth of your poem at all; I am saying that you expressed the idea clearly and concisely without driveling on about stupid things.
There is a beginning, a middle, and an end. I approve.
You even spelled grey correctly.
Gray is for pentagons.
Punctuation, though, is rather odd. I write the way it comes to me before I even care about punctuation, so I don't blame you, and I'm not saying this is a mistake, but the first real stanza is a bit jumbled. I like the idea, it's almost like enjambment-- which onsets an idea continuously flowing through two or more lines. If this is what you were trying to accomplish, and maybe even to emulate the idea of thoughts in our heads (one leading to another, which leads to another, which makes you remember something from the past, and on and on and on and on) that can sometimes be unclear and a bit messy.
I also really like the metaphor of the stone.
One suggestion?:
"All around the stone--
but not of stone.
You make a silk scarf
that stands there.
Covering but not touching--
empty and invisible.
You speak of gentle folds,
flowing edges,
water colours,
softness."
^^I'm just a punctuation geek. Your version looks much more artistic.^^
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What do you think about speech marks around the first part? Confusing or quoting reminiscent of advertising campaigns?
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Ohh, I don't mind them at all. I think it would be a bit confusing, though :-\
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You are just the best commenter in the world. Amazing. When I first wrote it I had punctuation in that first stanza but I didn't like it, I wanted it to jumble, but I didn't think about the -- I think that makes it work, keeps the flow more over those lines.
I like it when people can understand my poems, the best poems hover on that line, where it takes a moment but then you get, actually the best have layers you get and then more you discover, that is why I love James K Baxter (my poetry idol), his poems are like flaky pastry.
I think I will change to your punctuation and then mull on it. probably binding the lines together with the -- will recreate what is lost with adding punctuation. Punctuation will make it flow right on first read rather than when you think about it more I reckon.
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We can not know the true without knowing the untrue for they are
polar opposites or two sides to the same coin. Lies are something
that are changing hence it's opposite would be something
which NEVER changes. Both would be 100 percent pure at max,
however a 50/50 mix makes a halftruth ONLY in terms of mathematics.
If even a single speck of lie is mixed with true, it is still a lie for the
purity or "unchanging" quality of the true has now changed.
This is why they speak of unconditional love, for it is not love
that changes, but rather our perception of what it is based upon
what we want out of it. So we have pure love and then love
with any conditions applied with makes it no longer love at all,
but rather an untrue mutation of it for getting our own way...
In the end everything is reduced to the two, pure something and
it's pure opposite. Every other mix of those is the "maybe" of mankind
and a land of illusion. That is what advertising is all about. This is
why they say, "Sell the sizzle, not the steak." For they rely on the
person to use their own "gray area" of the black and white world
to convince them they really "need" not want it NOW...lol
Thanks for the entry and good luck in the contest
Eddy
Simplify, do or die...
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