Hello dear sparrow
Very good morrow
I woke up early today
Morning is bright
Induces me to write
A song of happiness
Higher in the sky
Little bird, You can fly -
I wish I had wings
You are very little
With small wishes you settle
Your life is very sweet
Due drops on a leaf
it’s life is very brief
but conveys a big message
Life is very short
put all your soul and heart
live your life to the most
The Sun is very hot
Kills the due drops on the spot
Poor grasses can only shed tears
I don’t fly high and high
I need not always sigh
Thinking that sky is very far
Sky is the lowest limit
Bird, you taught me the truth
Life is a due drop to submit
Before the feet of mighty Death
A contest entry
- 200th Contest!! by Ryno.
2750 points, ended February 19, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
:)
Comments
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I think you had a fantastic theme and message to convey to your readers... which you did well. It was simple, but stated what you wanted us to know and came across well.
There were some images I really loved, like the idea of "dew" drops (instead of due), being tears.
I think the form could've been a little stronger - some stronger rhymes hear and there, that are a little less forced, and some more room to expand on thoughts, a tad bit more grammar...
Also, I think you needed some stronger phrasing in spots, and that there was also room for some of the imagery to grow a little more.
But I think this was a good piece you have hear, you really had something to say and I connected well to it. Well penned!!
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Nice form--it seems very simple and fleeting, just like the bird you are describing. I think you mean "dew drops," not "due drops." The form at the end is very cool. And half-rhymes always work in my book when one of the words is "death." Well done.
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love this work it is very nice. you should change your font color i had a hard time reading it. keep up the great work..
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