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Too Deep In Our Ocean

I'm a fish
You're a fish
We're swimming together in our ocean that's filled with Love instead of water
And the currents sometimes get rough
But they soon mellow out
Especially when we work it out together,
Sometimes though, I think i swim too low
Sometimes, I feel guilty for eating all the love in our ocean
That makes me weak
Because you could mate with me then swim away
You could kiss me then swim to a guppie and leave me
But maybe i'm not
Maybe I'm where I should be
I won't really know until it's too late
I guess for now I'll keep swimmin'
And keep loving you

What do you think? Honestly. . .

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • ARTvs.WAR
    May 12

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    For your age, this has some brilliant metaphors. I'm actually astonished that you're only 14. I like how you capitalized "Love" in line 3 signifying the importance. In all this is just a wonderful write. Great job! :]


  • Mistress Leala silver member
    March 2
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    Love the metaphors. Really enjoyed this piece. Wise beyond your years.


  • new light
    February 9

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    never feel guilty for loving another as much as you do, never feel guilty for any feeling towards anything actually

    for some suggestions, i don't think capitalization is needed with any line or at all in this poem, not even the word 'Love' you capitalized. and on line 5, you forgot the second 'l' in 'mellow'

    on the 7th line you don't need that line at the end of the sentence

    for the lines,
    <--"I'm a fish,
    You're a fish.
    We're swimming together in our ocean that's filled with Love instead of water,
    And the currents sometimes get rough,
    But they soon melow out,
    Especially when we work it out together."
    --> i personally don't think any punctuation is needed except for the last period in the last line

    then for the lines,
    -->"Sometimes, though, I think i swim too deep.\
    Sometimes, I feel guilty for eating all the Love in our ocean.
    That makes me weak,
    Because you could mate with me then swim away.
    You could kiss me then swim to a guppie and leave me."
    <--i don't think any punctuation is needed except for the first line after the word though, and after the word sometimes in the second line... and me personally i would have written the first line instead of "Sometimes, though, I think i swim too deep.\" as "Sometimes though, I think I swim too low"

    other then that i think its great! so you can just re read it like that and see if you like it or not