I saw you and fell in love.
the way your Brillo-pad hair curled against your scalp.
the smell of your leather jacket.
the stiffness of your neck,
as you turn to acknowledge another traveler.
the slight glimpse of your pink lips
and the color of your skin, dark like winter morning.
the cleanliness of your seemingly manicured nails.
the scarf that hung around your neck
like a snake on a tree.
the rich murmur of your voice, uttering few words.
I saw you and fell.
but when will I ever see your face?
Author notes
originally "Shoes Made Of Orphan Hair".
i re-wrote it but i think both are unique so i chose to post both.
it was for my Poetry class.
i had to submit it to the Nutmegger, our school's literary magazine.
i'm writing more i guess. :l
A contest entry
- Paint Me A Picture;; Sing Me A Song (( Imagery, Metaphores, Simlies && all that jazz )) by HereComesTheSun.
700 points, ended February 10, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
not bad.
he sounds like a cool dude.
but don't you hate when that happens? when you see someone so amazing...but you have no clue who they are or how to get to them?
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Positive: you had great word choice
eg1:acknowledge another traveler.
eg2: the scarf that hung around your neck like a snake on a tree.
you also really told a story very well you didnt just drool over a boy and told us black and white what he looked like; you gave a us a colorful picture. great work
Negative: i have a few questions? what about him lures you too him? why? and those things i felt i didnt understands what really lusted you after him.
thank for entering -
I loved the title!
The poem is simple but uses very detailed description and powerful similes. It is very vivid. The only bit I don't really get is the last line, but it also seems to be a very interesting twist. I really loved the descriptions though... creative but not weird. I'm not sure if that makes any sense. I just liked it
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