I was taken by surprise -
Didn't think I'd fall for you,
You swept me off my feet
Yet you caught me in your arms.
Your absence rips away pieces,
Mended eveytime I lay eyes on you,
Shattering a life I had figured out,
You've left me to question myself.
Your eyes speak wonders,
Your touch even more,
I'd love to tell you
Every heart string you pull,
Everything you do to me and more.
I can not see you for weeks,
When you're right in front of me -
It's like you never left.
Our bond is incredible,
One I never want to lose.
I'd love to love you
Not just let you pass me by.
Author notes
This is written about a close friend of mine who I just found out is in jail. Constructive Critisism welcome!
What do you think I could improve?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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You are being mean. :/
Moonlit, that is an awfully rude thing to say, especially considering there is no mention of it being for Valentines day, so you can't "excuse" it for not being to your liking. Rather then saying something like that, try giving her constructive criticism about how it could be better. -
im not trying to be mean but there are a lot of over used or cliched lines in this. i know valentines is just around the corner... the biggest day of cliche so i understand the reason for this cliched write. i just think it could be better that is my personal opinion
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sexy times.
I loved it! I would have to say that my favorite part would have to be the heart strings line. My only problem with this poem is that it feels very forced. Perhaps try writing it so that it feels more natural and real. You're so close to breaking it out into an even better poem, but right now it's still a bud.
Lovely!
Keep on writing ;D
--peace out buddy ♥
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lovely...but u can infuse a bit of postivity...by adding something that speaks of meeting him again...
just a suggestion
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Wonderful emotion you put into this! I noticed the other comments mentioned to punctuation, but honestly, this doesn't exactly need it. Letting the reader take what you meant and relating to it is the most important thing, and I think you mastered it. One thing I think would sound better, is line 15- you have"When you're in front of me" I think it would sound better as "When you're right in front of me" Other than that, a most beautiful write!
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Thanks alot for your comment
very much appriciated and I do agree with you that adding "right" sounds better! Thanks again!
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To me is just seems like a bunch of random lines stuck together. The lack of periods and punctuation also makes it seem choppy and random.
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The layout is very interesing, short and long.
I really enjoyed reading, although the lack of punctuation can be confusing, (I for one tend to read it all running together) it also means that the reader can make their own interpretation of which lines match which, i.e. "I can not see you for weeks
When you're in front of me" or "When you're in front of me
It's like you never left"
And even the 'running together' can be taken as a 'stream of conciousness', making this poem seem more vivid, as if it came straight from the heart.
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anyone who's been suffering from writters block deserves a read and i must say i was not dissapointed.
this poem flows so softly throughout and tells such a lovely story of loving.
welcome back, i hope your muse sticks around for a while x
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Very moving and put together great!
Good job! Your block is no longer
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Great job! Loved it! This is a great first write back after a block.
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