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Lying, Cheating Piece Of Filth

I.
You're waiting in my hallway,
a swinging half-burnt bulb
that hums to me
in an eerie musical
that keeps repeating itself in my head.

II.
You watch as my heart falls to the dirt stained carpet
as I wait for an answer from
the silent humming hall

your hall

My foot etching circles into the brown,
now tearstruck floor.

Jamie or me? I ask.


III.
Your soft footfalls suddenly come closer.
my eyes rise up to meet yours,
and I lose myself in them.
14 years of staring into your sapphire blue irises,
and they still stun me to this day with their beauty.



IV.



Your reply: Jamie.

Author notes

OPTION 4:
WISHING FOR A NEVERLAND

Waiting in the hallway,
lit by swinging half-burnt bulbs
that hum to each other,
in an eerie musical.

Shadows in the corners growing,
reaching out to swallow me whole
with the dark arms of night.

My heart falling
to the dirt stained carpet,
as I wait for an answer,
from the silent humming hall,
my foot etching circles
into the brown floor.

Soft footfalls suddenly come
my eyes rise up,
hearing rusty bolts creaking,
and a door opening,
to revel a neverland.


I rewrote it! :]

1: Pen me a poem about going through a divorce, from the view of a innocent child, one of the partners in the failed marriage, the lawyer, anything. As long as it about divorce.

In a list

A contest entry

what should i change?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • Antebellum
    March 26
    Edit | Reply
    such a wonderful prose.


  • hawkeslake gold member
    March 7

    Edit | Reply
    I think I like the first version better, perhaps because it is a series of vignettes, that ends in a heartbreaker of a line. The second version is also quite good, but it is a completely different poem, despite how many similar stanzas and words you used. A quite enjoyable read. Thank you.


  • lowercase prelude gold member
    March 3
    Edit | Reply
    A terrific prose piece


  • Cyanide Dreams
    February 19

    Edit | Reply
    Deep. I liked this and it's so true. The imagery and metaphors you used in this is great. I liked the style and the context as well. The flow was pretty good. Nice job and good luck in the contest.

    Josh


    • Cyanide Dreams
      April 12
      Edit | Reply
      I see, that even though when this was entered before this won a trophy, now that it has, I'm going to have to remove it. I'm being very strict with my rules on this contest. Great write though, thanks for entering

      Josh


  • Serenity-words
    February 16

    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    This is a really good writing. Thanks for putting it into my contest!


  • ToxicSuicide
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    This is a lovely poem. Full of longing and wanting. The last line is so.. final. It's a cliffhanger though. What do you do after he says that? Ooo, I like. Thank you so much for entering my contest and good luck.
    ~ToxicSuicide.


  • Chocoholic156
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    Oh wow... this poem blew me away! This story is magnificent! I love this poem! I can see the shadow of my old poem in there, you rewrote it, its pretty cool what you did with it. I love this, you did a really good job with it. thank you for entering in my contest, and good luck in future contests.


  • HereComesTheSun
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    Positive: great job in how you wrote this up and kept in in pieces really had us wanting to read more left at a cliff hanger until the very end.

    Negative: the use of periods and coma's could be a little more used in this piece.

    great work thanks for entering


  • A dEaD dReAm
    February 7
    Edit | Reply
    this is amazing...verry deep i feel the emotion...good luck on the contest


  • TheSpiralGenerator
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    A very stunning piece! Good luck in all of the contests! You're sure to win at least one of them


  • The Reapers Angel
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    Please put your option in your AN.
    Though I already know which one you chose.

    I love the way you rewrote this, I adore the last two lines:

    "14 years of staring into your sapphire blue irises,
    and they still stun me to this day with their beauty."

    Gorgeous, this poem is wonderfully penned, and I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you kindly for your entry.


  • starving4perfection
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! that a really amazing piece! i dont know what it was about it it just....wow!
    "Your soft footfalls suddenly come closer.
    my eyes rise up to meet yours,
    and I lose myself in them.
    14 years of staring into your sapphire blue irises,
    and they still stun me to this day with their beauty."
    love those lines thanks for entering and good luck

  • Sky Prince Ireland gold member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    This is quite an emotional write. Nevertheless I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing and entering our contest. Good luck.
    Brian


  • Shelby K
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    i really liked this poem. i felt the same way when my boyfriend chose my best friend over me. i want you to know that things will get better though. just keep up the good work. would you like to take a look at some of my poetry?


    • jayyniecakes.
      February 7
      Edit | Reply
      it wasnt about me... x]

      i just wrote it for the contest.

      sure, i would love to take a look at some of your work!

1 - 22 of 22