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Midnight

OPTION 1
(is the option i used)

i can see the blue
above me,
the clouds
move,
the leaves
move.
is it wind?
i dont feel it.
i close my
eyes.
is it the strong rays of the
sun?
i dont see the
light. but i feel the strain,
the pain,
on my eyes.
its dark,
cold.
i feel frozen,
but why am i still here?

why am i
still alive,
but im barely breathing?

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • penciledlives
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    Okay. First...you actually posted! Haha.

    And...are you supposed to have entered some contest? 'Cause this isn't part of any. O.o

    Maybe you should put the apostrophes. You did put the other punctuation marks, and the missing apostrophes jars the flow for me.

    The poem feels personal, and in a way, ego-centric because of all the i's you used. Maybe that's what you intend, but if not, maybe it'll help to remove some of them.