i.
the ceiling that
morning was beautiful
winter rays shone through the
old blinds and bounced
shapeless fruits from the
smooth blue above
we had a routine—wrapped
in our warmth, we
laid content and
tried reading each other
never uttering a word
but that sunrise
carried no bliss
i couldn’t feel your arms
as your screams filled the room
frozen in quiet rigor
my mouth was sealed in a wry smile
cloudy eyes looking for god amongst the
ceiling’s blurry stars
ii.
i rose to calm you
but my body remained still
despite your jolts
to wake up, wake up, wake up!
i cried in unison
but my gasps went silent
my tears dry
how could i comfort you
when my hands passed
through your shoulders?
and you screamed my name
desperation consuming your voice
demanding that i come back to you
but i couldn’t answer
i was already swept
away by the abyss
iii.
the months have passed
and we face each other once more
eyes locked
fearful
longing
it is dawn again and
you stand out against the April
shadows i call home
your gaze hardening
oh, where have you gone?
you are a shell
encased in memories built
after me
why, why, why?
if my image is lost, reclaim it
if my voice is drowned, rebuild it
if my nocturne is bittersweet, remember the latter
please
please
don’t let me fade
and as it has so many times before
you lay your hand on my cheek
and soothe the growing
tempest of despair
thrashing within my mind
without uttering a word
and at last, you share with
me the tender eyes i fell for
and i am at ease
“you were smiling then
i’m sorry love
it’s time to go”
Author notes
Part VI of the series: http://allpoetry.com/list/53035-When-the-Nocturne-Quiets
Is it over? I don't know. It's been...pretty interesting writing this whole thing. I'm thankful that I've gotten all the feedback that I have. Regardless of whether it's over, though, I can only hope this poem is viewed the same way--a perfect fit for this series.
Anyway, this poem's still fairly rough. Unlike many of my poems that're finished within a day or two, I've been working on this one on and off for the past few months. I wanted it to be great, but I think it still needs some improvement. So, I ask that you be honest in your replies. If you have any suggestions to help make this better, please make them known.
Thanks for reading folks. 
In a list
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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engaging
This is veyr subtle and piercing.
I dont think its over, s long as you write or think about it.
whenever u re read this poem it will relive to huant and inspire you....
The series is important,
as we go through a period of self analysis, self discovery , self actualisation and hene we dicover the mytery of life.
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very nice work i love it keep up the great work...
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You say hello and then vanish back into the black. Should I take this personal? lol
I'm in an odd mood, don't mind me.
I see you've not posted much either over the last few months. But at least I have something to read.
Ah yes, let's begin with constructive, yea? First stanza, third line, the word 'shone' is not necessary and the word 'and' in the following line would be best replaced with a comma. Solid last line.
Second stanza, second line, nix 'our'. Third line, drop 'and' and put it as 'to read each other' in order to get rid of the 'ing'. Reads better.
Third stanza, I feel that 'carried' sounds better as 'carries'. And while you're probably attached to it, I'm still going to suggest you drop the next four lines and only leave the last two. But I realize that's my personal preference.
Second piece, first stanza, third line. Don't think the word 'jolts' is needed.
In the second stanza I find confusion as to what your crying in 'unison' with? And I'd drop 'my' from the third line.
Third stanza, second line. I would prefer it read 'when hands pass'. Sounds smoother.
And just as a suggestion, I liked rephrasing the fourth stanza to read:
"you screamed my name
desperation a consumption of voice
demands to return to you"
But I digress.
Third poem, stanza five, consider dropping the final line.
I'm not particularly fond of anything in the six and seventh stanzas. They seem plain against the rest.
The rest seems fine.
So there. How's that fo a fine toothed comb? Is your part straight now?
I like it but I do think it could use a little clean up. Your heart just doesn't seem to be fully in it.
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Wow this was very deep, the emotion flowed through me. The intensity, the thrill of reading good poet's wokr like youself! keep up the great wokr, BTw, nice icon and Great detail and vocab
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Wow! gret imagry
I like to jump around this site looking for poetry I like. I enjoy reading them. This write of yours is powerful, I am glad to find it. keep your pen moving. Nic
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This is a wonderful piece. It flows remarkably well. I got the chills when I read "...how can I comfort you.." When you read poetry and it stirs emotion in the reader, that is the payoff for all the authors hard work.Well done!
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sounds like the routine I am used to. Thanks for reminding me what mundane means.
I can't advise how you can make this better. As your free verse is some 100% better than mine. Well done.
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"sounds like the routine I am used to. Thanks for reminding me what undane means." -- Huh?
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wow
this is good my only question is what were you thinking when you wrote this?
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i'm sorry, i haven't read the others so this may well be useless to you. but that was amazing. i think its probably one of the best i've read on the site. completely sucked me in. part i especially was very finely crafted. you've deeply impressed me
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Good
Your writing is brilliant I can tell. But it doesnt seem that you really put your all into this one? I agree with Myron on your first two parts but it seems you lose interest after. Perhaps you should elaborate those following lines into something better to create more awe inspiring parts that match the first two. Guys please check out my work if you will? I could do with some constructive critique as all mine are still roughs. Thank you. -
Parts one and two work quite well because the narrative is carried by a series of interesting, tightly focused images.
After that it kinda gets repetitive and the language stops being imagist-based and instead becomes looser as more and more statements are poured into the poem.
I think you should trust in your images, or else make them, stronger so you don't need so many statements clogging up this deep, quirky and interesting narrative.
best wishes,
myron. -
I wasn't prepared
I haven't read the related poems. And this one caught me unawares and unprepared and i was physically shoved and then pulled into it. Im going to have to read the rest of them now. I know you want constructive criticism - but i love this just like this. JUST like this. And it is powerful enough to stand alone, also.
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Terrific
I very much enjoyed your voice from the dead. The opening stanzas set the scene very nicely.
My only suggestion would be to delete several stanzas. They are (1) the last stanza in part i; (2) the third stanza in part ii; and (3) the stanza beginning "and as it has so many times before" in part 3.
In these passages you seem to me to be trying to hard to make sure the reader understands your image-they kind of beat the reader over the head. I think the poem reads better if you let the suggested image kind of drift into your intended meaning.
I really enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing.
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YES! another! i don't have any criticism for you, specifically; but, if you have a particular portion you wanted me to look at, i would be happy too.
but, you do things your way and if methinks it'd be more effective if you told where to 'look'. =]
anywho, I really liked it. To me, having read the rest, it's clear and cohesive with the rest. I also liked the slightly different format with the bold stanzas.
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I'm so happy to see that you've writing again. I always look forward to reading your poems, because I know that the images carved into my mind are ones I won't forget in a hurry.
Anyway, it was perfect. Well, almost... A little long for my taste, but still eerily-calm, with just the right measure of brutality; like the eye of a hurricane, I suppose.
Well done,
& take care
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something serious
this is really nice.. I liked this alot read it more than once
GOOD WORK!!!
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BRILLIANT
My tears flow for the poignant beauty of lost loved ones. please keep writing from the heart just like you have here for it brings a peace that comes only with acceptance of the final goodbyes that are said.
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Oh. This is a sad little poem that you have going on here.
It sounds like you've lost someone very dear to you. But I read your author notes about it being part of a series and so I hope it's made up. Because that's a really terrible thing to have to experience. I know you asked for critical critiques so let's see, all I can really think is that I'd like more images. Hope that helps!
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this was good so therefore you will be in the international contest.
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What?
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What?
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