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My Transition

We had so much, we had it all...
Within our hands, we held the world!
It felt like love and from my depths
It was carefully concocted, lovingly swirled.

I put all I had towards you and I!
I thought a love like ours would never die!

And yet, someone please tell me how
I laid down and let you walk out of my sight?
Tell me how the best thing in my life
Is now calling another their Ms. Right?

Before this point, you defined my life as a whole!
Only now, today, I feel shattered to my soul...

I see you with her, every lonely day,
I see your laugh and your smile,
All that I use to place upon your face...
So easily replaced- am I no longer worth your while?

My world has faded from glory days of diamonds and glass
To tarnished bits of simple, weather-beaten brass.

My eyes, depictive mirrors to my soul,
Connect with yours, shining, vibrantly true!
Only you look away, dismiss me with a broken gaze...
Love, all I can say is that I'm still not over you.

I have no idea as to why you're so hard to forget,
But, baby, I will one day get past our short-lived duet...

Author notes

For a contest- based off David Archuleta's song, "A Little Too Not Over You." Still, there are bits of me buried beneath these words... It still gets to me!

A contest entry

What did you think? Any suggestions?

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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • masked-monster
    October 26

    Edit | Reply
    OMG! wow very powerful. I loved it, it pulled at my heart string and almost made me cry.. I know how this feels, and I cant imagine seeing my ex with someone else. I think it would kill me! Thanks for entering and I wish you good luck!


  • Heva Feva
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    "I see you with her, every lonely day,
    I see your laugh and your smile,
    All that I use to place upon your face...
    So easily replaced- am I no longer worth your while?”

    These are my favourite lines! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
    -heva♫


  • Ami
    April 17

    Edit | Reply
    Great Write and
    Thank You for entering my contest
    Good Luck
    - ♥Amanda♥


  • cgirl0410 silver member
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    This is nice. Thanx 4 entering. Good luck! - cgirl0410


  • still.she.waits
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    i only see words on a page. i dontfeel any emotion. you talk about how you see him with her everyday, but you dont expand on how it hurts you, or makes you jealous, or how you'd like to rip her throat out. it's kind of like your writing from a strangers point of view, like watching what the broken-hearted girl is going through and guessing at her emotions.
    i think this would be stronger if written, without holding back, let all the emotions out

    • Loveberry
      February 21
      Edit | Reply
      i certainly appreciate the honest opinion... i think i have to work on really letting my emotions out, both thru my poetry and in my life itself. i tend to find it hard to put words to my emotions, and sharing them has always been a bit of a fear of mine... the only emotions i don't have trouble expressing are humor and happiness! everything deep remains just so.
      also, when i wrote this it kind of was like looking at someone altogetherly different than me... i just feel so detached from it anymore, i think that was a different me.

      thanks, once again


  • Koromone
    February 18

    Edit | Reply
    No

    i like the poem
    but i feel like it has no depth
    it needs more emotion and more imagery
    than you are putting into it



    • Loveberry
      February 18
      Edit | Reply
      well thank you much for the honest reply! i appreciate it greatly.... thanks for stopping by


  • Temptation.
    February 12
    Edit | Reply
    this is good. thanks for entering and good luck.


  • Oceanna
    February 11
    Edit | Reply
    Nice piece with a good rhythem.
    I liked the ending especially well.


  • Still Standing gold member
    February 10

    Edit | Reply

    Got to me too!

    This was good, I really enjoyed these words:

    Only you look away, dismiss me with a broken gaze...
    Love, all I can say is that I'm still not over you.
    I have no idea as to why you're so hard to forget,
    But, baby, I will one day get past our short-lived duet...

    Only I'm the one looking away.

    One critical piece if I may: Ilike when poems are broken into stanzas that way it flows much better to me, can you try breaking it up for this contest...thank you..other than that good job, thanks for entering and good luck!

    • Loveberry
      February 10
      Edit | Reply
      awh! i'm really glad to see you liked it
      hmmm, just who're you looking away from? and yes, i'll break it into stanzas for this contest for you lol... thanks a bunch!


      • Still Standing gold member
        February 10
        Edit | Reply
        Thank you for the stanzas I think it makes it so much easier to read

      • Still Standing gold member
        February 10
        Edit | Reply
        Looking away from my ex ugh..Every time I see him I get this queasy chessy and uneasy feeling in the pit of my gut!!!


  • daviscth silver member
    February 10

    Edit | Reply
    What a wonderful poem! You really did the promppt justice with this creation. I enjoyed it so much. Thanks for sharing in my contest.


  • Crazy9Piano8Freak
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful!!! I absolutely love this! The flow and rhythym and rhyming is absolutely perfect! Great job!


  • Kathraina silver member
    February 8
    Edit | Reply

    Judged-ola!

    Aww such longing here. Great write!

1 - 19 of 19