I.
Every snow flake is different,
falling-
in a way, no other will.
I guess that too,
was a lie.
They all look the same to me;
all reminders of the way hands
coated curls of my hair,
before drifting against my spine.
My body was a map
of worlds,
gravitating around him.
My heart-
a fidgeting leaf;
changed color
with his hues of tangled breath.
II.
Inhaled smiles-
he forgot to breathe me out,
wound with inspired heaves;
sharp and frostbitten-
mistaken for gasps of ecstasy,
I thought it was I
who had taken his breath away.
I felt his eyes
could have built fires,
as I fell through geyser depths.
quickly realizing, the tides I saw
were static,
destine to drown
in the games he played.
III.
He appeared,
an ice-beaded angel.
Then again, I always believed
snow angels were a little shifty.
His arms were tundra biomes,
And I've never been anywhere
quite as cold.
Too cold,
even for cobalt currents
racing beneath arctic pupils;
where if you lay too long in blizzards
your fingers numb.
That's why I couldn't feel him
drifting away.
IV.
Pendulous; I was the last,
clinging to ashen limbs.
A naked tree- cambering
to recall the feel of sunlight.
I'll always crinkle;
Autumn candy wrappers
in gelid hands;
as photographs perished;
scattered fragments to wind.
Less like laughter,
and more like the drop
of a tear,
caught-
on soda ash powders
of Winter's death.
V.
He was lyrics
of summers
that never came.
So I sang him
into rhythms
more suited to my heart.
Partial to a chorus
without promise.
VI.
"After the mourning,
when the sun
has finally had his say;
snow drifts will melt
and life
will always move on."
I guess that too,
was a lie.
Author notes
Prompt: Winter
I would really love some critical comments to help me edit this.
A contest entry
- AP X Factor: Round Six [Top 8] by sideways hourglass.
570 points, ended February 9, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would love a critical comment on how I can make these lyrics better.
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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92
Originality 9
Creativity/Poetic device 9
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 9
Emotion/personality/edge 10
Impact/Reaction 9
mechanics: 4
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 5
syntax: 4
Title: 5
overall opinion: 4
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
Total possible: 100
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90
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 90
Laura
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This was beautiful Amy... I especially loved the raw, strong emotions - I can really feel your struggles throughout the whole thing. Wonderful.
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91
"with his hues of tangled breath." - i think that line could do without "his".
"he forgot to breathe me out," - i've heard this phrase before. i don't know if it was in one of your poems or someone else's though, but regardless, i've heard it before so it kind of felt a bit corny and not as original.
"Foolish me...
I really felt his eyes
could have built fires,"
- i think the "foolish me" is okay, but it kind of has a "self-pity" feel to it, that i don't think represents how you were truly feeling. Perhaps take it out? Then the second line of what i just pointed out..."really" could be taken out, even though i know what you were trying to say. The poem works without it.
"He appeared,
as ice-beaded angels."
-I think "an ice-beaded angel" would work, because you are just talking about him. I think you also stuck with the pluralization of "angel" in the following lines, so perhaps edit that too.
"Autumn candy wrappers" - i love candy, but that was kind of cliche.
I think you could have come up with something stronger than that though, to back up the statement "i'll always crinkle". Perhaps bring up the imagery or leaves or the crinkling/crunching sound of snow when you walk on it? those are just suggestions -- not sure if they would agree with the overall metaphor though. just some ideas.
"caught-
on soda ash powders
of Winter's death."
-it would work better without "soda" - i just wasn't sure how it came together cohesively with the rest of the poem, unless i am totally missing something.
In the last vignette, I think you should have combined the two quotes into one. The seperation was fine, but technically...it would have been correct to keep them unified.
Those are just my negative comments though.
Overall, this was excellent. It poured with emotion, and you had A LOT of creative, original ideas. I could pick out a lot of favorite parts, but I'm going to list several, in no particular order:
"Pendulous; I was the last,
clinging to ashen limbs.
A naked tree- cambering
to recall the feel of sunlight."
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"His arms were tundra biomes,
And I've never been anywhere
quite as cold.
Too cold,
even for cobalt currents
racing beneath arctic pupils;
where if you lay too long in blizzards
your fingers numb.
That's why I couldn't feel him
drifting away."
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"Every snow flake is different,
falling-
in a way, no other will.
I guess that too,
was a lie."
The tone reminds me a lot of Chandni [Never Fall in Love] -- she competed in Teen Idol 8...came in like 5th I think? So, yeah, she is pretty good. Consider that a compliment.
I am not saying you are like her, it definitely sounds like you. But the undercurrent of hopelessness and doubt in love reminded me of the poems she would write.
Anyway -- the bottom line is that this is good. When I was done reading it, there was a strong reaction to it. But after analyzation, I think this is strong, but needs polishing too.
Originality 8/10
Creativity/Poetic device 9/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 8/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 4/5
Title: 5/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total: 91
Just my opinions.
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lol I forgot... I remember Chandi. I do take that as a compliment actually. I liked her work very much indeed. Though, honestly I was looking to do something different than the love thing this round but after thinking so long and hard about winter it was all I could feel about it, and in the end I thought I better do something I can actually draw some real emotions from.
The foolish me part... you were right on about; kind of a self pity sounding thing which I did and didn't want. In reality the thought turning over in my head was a regret of how pitifully I believed in him and how bad I felt for so easily falling... so I am sure that is why it came out like that, but in the end I agreed that it could be written without that. -
Thank you for your comment Ty!
Soda Ash is the salt found in clear liquid... a very acidic and burning salt
it went with the tears
I am pretty satisfied with this entry and reletively with the score.
I know a few places were cliche but like I told L3vity I prefer it that way. I do not believe in having a poem strictly of unused terms. I understand that candy wrappers could have been changed to something different but it wouldn't exactly fit what I felt for that image. That's what I was telling her is that if I changed the cliche parts to different images they'd be just that... different images and they wouldn't even be what I had intended them to convey. I never fail to have a couple cliche parts in my poems.
Thank you again for your always through comments. It lets the writer know you actually read it.
Amy -
-
lol - i am from Florida so of course I forgot about that.
But I def. see the connection.
I'm actually surprised I gave you "9" (in cohesion) - in retrospect I should have given an 8, because there's another thing that I'm wondering...
What about the candy wrapper image? - did that tie in with the overall theme? -
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lol yes it did
have you ever crinkled a leaf in your hand?
it sounds like a candy wrapper
Surly you've played in leaves that are lingering, left over from Autumn?
They are dry, parched, and they crakle just like the wrappers from Haloween -
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Yeah, I got that - like, as I read it, I was aware of that meaning. I was just wondering if there was metaphorical significance to the poem's whole.
So...what should have happened was that I originally gave you an 8 in cohesion. [even though i actually gave you 9]
So i'll just say I raised your score to a 9 because now I know the relevance of the "soda ice".
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i really like your opening and your closing.
i think if you wanted to improve this, there's a few lines that sound awkward or wordy- like "Foolish me!" sounds thrown in, and "snow angels were always a little odd" also distracts from te rest of your poem. Hope that helps,
-cassidy
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Alright alright alright. I like this. Some things I would change:
-The first four lines of IV. I don't like them at ALL. Their effect on me was to create the illusion of an image. My mind wanted an image to be there and there really wasn't anything.
-I don't really like V much either. Any of it.
"I'll always crinkle;
Autumn candy wrappers
in gelid hands;"
is really, really, really, really good. The rest is, frankly, cliché
On the whole? I'd give this poem an 8. Tweak it a little and it could go higher.
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I love your opening 4 lines. sets the tone and the emotion for the whole piece. Also enjoyed the little bits of internal rhyme, and thought your personification was excellent... good luck
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Thank you for your nice comment. I am honored that you even read my poem even more that you commented. I will be by to read yours when it is posted. Good luck to you as well!
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I long for the days when I can read such a Poetic Voice.....and even as semi-common as this Theme can be....especially here on AP, you have managed to bring a freshness and invigorating Tone and hold me throughout every L -
Most of your L's are skillfully chosen and created....your grammatical choices are *boardering* simplistic........however, your approach is splendid with visual Impact and a Great balance of *Show & Tell*
The Movement within each L gives way for the Reader to move along.....reaching for your next thought -
.....I think this deserves to read more than once....especially by your Host, as you have penned a rather intricate piece of Beauty and woven words together to touch each sense of the Readers breath -
Well done,
...good luck,
Bear ~
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Thank you Bear!!! I always appreciate and cherish your comments. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my piece. I have worked a bit on this one and it means a lot to me to hear such from a poet who writes such breathtaking beauty(and in form at that). God Bless!
Amy -
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You wrote this beauty....not me....you deserve the applause
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this looks fine to me, you put your most effort into this,I like it the way it is,the nature in poems is to write the way you feel it should be,...good luck in his contest
mm
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Thank you for your comment. I appreciate the time taken. I will leave it as is for now and keep my fingers crossed.
Amy
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