She stood there unbelieving mystified.
Transfixed as the profound uneven darkness
washes over her curvy form.
Transfigured, a blob
against the opaque scene.
As ghastly, masked worshippers strode
around her with an air of concieted
Pharisaic pride.
Each chanting “La tua cantante!”
As a pale shimmering figure
approachs the mesmerised woman.
The monster, humming a tune
of unimaginable beauty.
The phantasmagorical melody lulled
the perplexed prisoner into a somber slumber.
Taking over her dreams the comely
lullaby leads her into false, unprotected security.
The red-eyed, night wanderer
pauses for a moment, over
the woman's sleeping form.
Smiling for a brief moment,
noting her beauty,
but taking in her scent all too fully.
Her scent, the scent that truly
SINGS to his hungerings.
She sleeps, still and soundless.
Only to be drained
of her euphoric liquid.
And never to wake again
La Tua Cantante
Author notes
if you've read new moon in the twilight series you know the context of la tua cantante that i am going for. oh and look for things i can fix
- the twilight fan club group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Twilight-The Safest Time Of Day by SingMeToSleep.
850 points, ended March 3, 25 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ANYTHING GOES by VerminVomit.
1300 points, ended March 9, 146 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Gimmie somthing that doesn't suck. by Predaw.
460 points, ended October 27, 68 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Do you have emotions? by Forgotten Anomaly.
550 points, ended October 27, 182 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Wow. This is a take I never thought of. I love the angle you wrote this from. It's interesting and imaginative.
Thank you for sharing this.
-Kati -
i loved the imagery. it has some great potential. i felt like you almost wanted a different ending for Twilight (the series itself) great write!
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I did want a different ending for twilight
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I have never read the Twilight books, and my first impression is that this woman was having a nightmare. I'm hard-pressed to find something more to add to all of the comments already posted, though I did notice that "concieted" has not been corrected yet. This is a wonderful, if somewhat disturbing, piece. I felt myself being pulled into the surreal surroundings of the story, and as I continued to read the poem, I literally felt shivers running up and down my spine. This nightmarish scenario reminded me of a terrible experience I had when I was 21...but that's another story...lol. Your choice of words succeeds in setting the right mood and tone that at once seizes the imagination and draws out all of the subconscious feelings of terror associated with "things that go bump in the night". The imagery is perfect, and I almost felt myself being lulled into hypnosis by the chanting and humming I could hear through your words. I tend to agree with others, though, about the word "phantasmagorical". I understand why you chose the word, however, a shorter, simpler word may have been just as powerful in creating the image you wished to convey. Excellent work, Dani. I look forward to reading more of your poems :-).
Linda
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Thank you for catching my error
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you're welcome, Dani :-)
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I've never read the twilight books so I don't know the context. However, this is wonderfully writen poem, you used a lot of wonderfully placed and chosen words in this as well. I can think of no sugestions. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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It is more about the phrase La Tua Cantante then it is about twilight
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Wow. I absoultely loved this poem! It is truly amazing. Excellent write!
Thank you for entering and good luck! -
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Thank you for the bronze
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I like the poem
this write drew me in as I read. I like the mystical flow. I would re read and fine tune this a bit and let it evolve. Truly a nice poem.
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thank you for the read
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This is beautiful. Very well written. The word "phantasmagorical" seems awkward here with its six beats; would haunted work--not the exact same meaning I know, but simpler. Good write.
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thank you for reading. i know that the word phantasmagorical messes up the flow but its the only word that describes exactly what the vampire is humming. thanks again for the read.
-deadly
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mysterious
good write good flow good story line i enjoyed the read wow not easy to get from me
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thank you for the comment. i am glad you liked it
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I do not know the back ground for La Tua Cantante, but I can speak to the clarity of the poem dependant on a literary allusion. First, it must stand true and complete in itself. Second, the allusion only provides greater understanding to those in tune and should pull at the readers who don't know it to learn more.
This accomplishes the latter. I am big about opening lines and this one is a little to amorphous and dependent on prior understanding so left me confused and unsure if I wanted to continue. Particularly "a profound uneven darkness" and I don't know why her form is shapeless or how a shapless form is transfigured to a blob. Are they not one in the same? This is not so much an arguement about language as setting. I hope it helps.
Conceited I believe is spelt incorrectly, editorial note.
The rest of the poem follows beautifully developing images, bringing forward a sense of horror and helplessness. Dark and somehow delightful in the same breath. Very well evoked.
I hope my comments are of some help. This piece shows more than promise, it demonstrates skill and vision on the part of the writer.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
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good work
its a nice write i really like it.
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thanks. i am actually going to change this one
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Ah..the mysteries of the human situations with regards to the stories of the life are alaways a matter to discuss and to document into the sad poetry and this is it..well said..
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great write...i felt this was almost Renesemee in Bella waiting for her birth though...this is just my opinion...i loved it though! GREAT! best wishes!
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thank you. ive got work on it yet though
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love the Twilight saga! (the books, not the movie so much) anyway, interesting take on La Tua Cantante. just a few spelling errors: I think you meant 'scene' not 'seen' (that makes more sense), and 'humming' instead of 'huming'. 'phantasmagorical' (if that's a word..) also seems a bit overwhelming for the overall tone of your piece. Hope I helped and best wishes
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yes that is a word its called look it up in the dictionary or maybe even read other books. goodness.
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There are some spelling errors, and in line 11, you suddenly change from past tense to present tense, but then switch back to past again.
There are so many phrases of this poem that begin with "as", and it grows rather dull after a while. Is there a way you can vary up the structure so that it is more interesting?
Hope that helps -
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thank you for catching my errors. i actually am going to edit i just wanted a few more reads and in my edit those suggestions you had were fixed
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i havent read the thing you speak off but i enjoyed your choice of words for this piece, it was a pleassure to read it. take care
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thank you
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Ooh! This is good. I've read some twilight inspired poems, but they all centered 'round Edward and Bella. I really like what you did here, especially the last few line. It really summed it up, while leaving you wanting to read more.Good job!
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yeah i dont like those types of poems. i saw the phrase la tua cantante and went with that
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loved it!!!
best poem i've read in awhile;; and i loved the twilight saga && new moon is my favorite out of them all.
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new moon is my least favorite
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i didn't like it for the fact that edward had left bella;; but besides that it's still my fav along w/breaking dawn
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i hate breaking dawn. my fav is eclipse
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Loved it
i did some work on Beach Life and changed it a BUNCH Check it out.
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okay i will check it out
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your gunna hate me dani, but i didnt get it at all. for me, it wasnt very clear on what you were talking about. SORRY! but again, i loved the language and expression you use in your poetry! your a very good writer!
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its about a vampire murdering a woman whos blood is very potent
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Okay, for a poem of this density, you have way to many enters and no punctuation at all, it would benifit from a recontrusction and puncutation! Without it the poem does not make sense but add some .,:;--&()[]~`"' and it would ebb and flow graciously.
IM me if the changes are made, or if you'd like my help making them. -
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yawn i dont do punctuation
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You use very interesting words in the poem wich is I like:
"mesmerised woman"
"unimaginable beauty"
"phantasmagorical melody"
"euphoric liquid"
I'd say no revising of this poem.
Well done
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thanks. i cant believe that you say no revising lol i wrote this poem in five minutes lol
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There were delightful and inspirational 5 mins I guess LOL!
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So this is by far one of the best poems I've read, so far anyway, and I love the twilight series, I just never figured out what that phrase means. Awesome job.
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thanks.
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Phantasmagorical
this is am amazing word i have no understanding of it though!!!
what a beautiful poem its deep and verty powerful, a solid block of words that still create a great vision and also flows delicately well
good job
white
*wink -
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it means mysterious or dreamlike... i love strange words
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