Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Nightmare Cries

Lying in your bed at night
You are lost in a crazy fight
Your eyes are closed out of the black
becomes an outline of horrid masks

Screaming coldly for returning
gently thrashing soul cold and burning
Hatred and so stunning
in his laughter you are running

Borrowing his thoughtless tears
that he cries in hopeless fears
For a second he will arise
and come across your nightmare cries

Ripping at the sadness loom
hymnotic eyes that search the room
Those words he speaks that gently flow
A raven dark that seldom crows

Without deception's hold recalled
When all those dreams come forth uncalled
A pawn awoken from sleep
trapped and screaming nightmares deep

A contest entry

What did you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 16 of 16

  • skilter
    August 10
    Edit | Reply
    this was a nice and flowing poem, thank you for entering!


  • Heva Feva
    June 15

    Edit | Reply
    Despite the cold from the poem, it has beautiful rhyme and flow, and it is very chilling.

    "Screaming coldly for returning
    gently thrashing soul cold and burning
    Hatred and so stunning
    in his laughter you are running"

    Good luck and thanks for entering my contest.
    -heva


  • Jayde1
    June 11

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    a great poem my lover........as always u inspire

    truly......you are fantastic

    love u


    xxx

  • narkill
    April 18
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful Job. Great flow, imagery... Very well thought out and written. A pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing.

  • graybeard
    April 16
    Edit | Reply
    Pretty scary stuff here. Something I'm sure everyone can identify with.


  • Fritz O skennick gold member
    April 13

    Edit | Reply

    Great stuff!!!

    Again, such wonderful imagery with a delightfully dark undertone that appealed to my own dreamstates...
    Keep up the good work...
    Well done!!!


  • Blue30
    April 8

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this was really creepy, awesome job. I liked your rhyming in this piece. Best of luck to you in the contests.


  • Nam
    April 4

    Edit | Reply
    "Screaming coldly for returning,
    gently thrashing soul cold and burning."

    The first line going with the second seems forced or just reads a bit off in vocabulary. The second line seems too long going with the first. I feel it could be tightened up a bit, and reworked.

    I also felt the ending seemed a bit forced, as if you were looking to end it so you forced the ending. Overall, I think it could be reworked.

    Other than that: a nice poem here.

    -Nam


  • Night Terrors
    April 1

    Edit | Reply
    This was wonderful! I love Poe! This was very creepy! It kinda reminded me of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. Thanks so much for entering.

    ~*~Note: I added you to the finalist list


  • Catacomb
    March 31
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering. This was fun to read.


  • Dark Otter
    March 30

    Edit | Reply

    Powerful rhyme

    In these two quatrains of aabb, you show some
    well made poetics. They are quite well written.

    Screaming coldly for returning,
    gently thrashing soul cold and burning.
    Hatred and so stunning,
    in his laughter you are running.

    Borrowing his thoughtless tears,
    that he cries in hopeless fears.
    For a second he will arise,
    and come across your nightmare cries.


  • LadyDementia gold member
    March 27

    Edit | Reply
    That reads much better! To me, when words are repeated close together you can get distracted and it can interrupt the feel of the write, if you get me? I know I tend to loose track of where I am as I am wondering if the words going to come up again..lol But this is fantastic now. Thanks for taking it on board and not taking offence as some do. Good luck


  • LadyDementia gold member
    March 27
    Edit | Reply
    I do like the theme of this, not keen on repeating words so close together, verse four lines three/four have gently twice. Also I do believe lieing should be lying. Your wording produces good dark imagery, nice write. Thanks for entering and good luck


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    March 24
    Edit | Reply
    Lying in your bed at night.
    You are lost in a crazy fight.
    Your eyes are closed out of the black
    becomes an outline of horrid masks.

    This first part really draws the reader in...excellent word usage here.

    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**

  • beefstew798
    March 19
    Edit | Reply
    the real meaning of what a night mare should be


  • BrokenSanity
    February 22

    Edit | Reply
    Ooooh, A powerful wrote, Nice. Very dark...
    I liked the rhythming on the whole, but I think you ran away with it in places, but... I think that adds to the wild desperation to the poem, so this works well. Thank you for entering, and good luck!

1 - 16 of 16