When I was twenty-two what passed for love
I know in retrospect I would despise:
A parasitic, self-destructive dove
who used charisma as its bright disguise.
I finally discerned the corrupt bird.
Withdrawn, I thought I'd earned my bleak despair.
Would others find my foolish fall absurd?
Such dolts as I deserved this lonely air.
Then just around that corner of my funk
came you with kindest heart and lightest touch.
You shared your courage swiftly to debunk
my puerile fears, by loving me so much.
Of love’s true passion with a pure desire,
You raised in me a life-long burning fire!
In a list
A contest entry
- Sonnet Contest for Sonneteers Only by Amera.
10000 points, ended March 1, 2009, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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I love your courage with the colloquial: as in the courage to use the word "funk". I love the tone of voice in "in loving me so much". Contrasting the simplicity of your vocabulary here, and the straightforward phrase with the judicious sprinkling of challenging words like "puerile". Very rarely have i ever heard of someone, in their self examination being quite so raw.
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So many seek to define themselves with what passes as love, when in reality, it is merely infatuation - or worse yet, obsession. To truly love someone means you want what is best for them, even if you are not the one to provide it. But then, your love was true, so you already knew the difference when it mattered the most. 
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Funk and debunk - I love the idea of these rhymes.
May I offer a couple of criticisms? Firstly, I look at this as a modern sonnet, and as such I don't feel the grammatic inversion in line 7 works. In line 11, that lovely verb "debunk" seems grammatically isolated - it appears to have no subject. This isn't necessarily a problem, if there had been a deliberate disjointed feel to the poem throughout; but this one does have coherent grammar in the rest of the lines.
Still worth a row of bunnies!
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Now that I have read all of these sonnets, in order, I think I like this one the best. Maybe its the self discovery theme with such hope and love to rescue. Just lovely
K
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This sonnet uses modern language very effectively to evoke a classic tone. I was drawn to the use of birds, the dove and the crake, as images for love's imposter which consumes without fulfilling.
With the turn at line 9 we see words like sharing, debunk, pure, and true as the poet considers the real thing that is truly satisfying, bringing fiery passion that never burns out.
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How nice of you to read my sonnet! I am not very experienced at form poetry, and it has been enjoyable and enlightening to learn from other poets here on AP. Your feedback is appreciated very much. Lita
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I'm sorry I somehow missed this beautiful sonnet when it first appeared, and now I'm glad I have read it.
Good luck to you in the contest.
Sue
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Thanks for catching this one when you did; I always appreciate feedback from excellent poets like you! Lita
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a very touching, honest and intimate sonnet, written in a simple but elegant language, revealing deep feelings, philosophical musings and shared life-experience in a wonderful way ...
maa
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Thanks for stopping by and reading; it means a lot, and I always appreciate the kind remarks!
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Sonnets were made for love poems and the beauty and motion of this one is wonderful. I love sonnets that are penned in the first person. Penned in perfect decasyllable and meter this poem flows beautifully. What makes this poem special to me is that it starts off with sour feeling for love then at the L9 Volta you let the reader in on the beauty of love. Your poem isn’t really summed up in the couplet, it’s all pulled together in the last line and I think that’s very creative. Thank you for helping to make our contest a success by composing a classic masterpiece. Good luck in our judging.
Love,
Amera♥
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Thank you so much for your kind comments; I appreciate your critique and your contests! Lita
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Very well penned!
Thanks for sharing!
Best wishes in the contest and always!
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lovely rhyme and unique words as well, and yes the loves of our innocent years were full of stumbling and bumbling along, tears and heartaches canting each stepping stone. It is the
one true love who takes our hand and shares the path to brighter meadows. Lovely write~~Artis
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This is an exceptional sonnet. I always like sonnets best that speak in everyday expressions, not in some thick gnarly concoctions of words no sane person would ever actually speak in a normal conversation. You nailed it. I loved the use of funk and debunk. My personal pet peeve is wrap-arounds, which I don't mind when they are done right. I think yours is done right here, but you begin your heroic couplet mid-sentence. I don't honestly think it is wrong, but it just leaves me feeling like the poem is somehow incomplete, that I am still waiting for the couplet. I have always felt that the couplet should be able to stand alone as a two line poem. I don't know how you do that when the couplet starts mid-sentence. I am not trying to be overly critical, just giving my honest thoughts. As I said, this is an exceptional sonnet.
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Thank you for your exceptionally fine remarks. I appreciate the thoughtfulness, and the critique especially concerning the last two couplet lines. I think you are absolutely right -- they should stand alone and not start in mid-sentence! Truly I hadn't even noticed! It just came out that way. I am going to go back and look at the structure after I let it perk around in my mind for awhile. Thanks again! Lita
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this is really good!
"A parasitic, self-destructive dove
that used charisma as its bright disguise."
lovely
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"Then just around that corner of my funk
came you with kindest heart and lightest touch," ... I love those lines. They so reflect what I have felt in the past. Someone was a breath of fresh air when I was feeling most blue. It's a wonderful thing to have, a friendship like that.
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I love the language here reminiscent of the old romantic poets,
"A parasitic self-destructive dove" I wonder how many manage to fall so deep.
A very good title too
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Then just around that corner of my funk
came you with kindest heart and lightest touch
it would be so wonderful if that person walked into everyone's life. you have written this well and i wish you the best of luck in this contest that you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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amazing
this is truly beautiful, full of emotion, powerful emotion. The language used really makes me see the poem in and out.
Keep writing,
Holly. -
I think I liked this one even better than the other. My favourite bit is "A parasitic, self-destructive dove
that used charisma as its bright disguise."
Now you've got me wondering what passes for love for me lolol
Best of luck in that contest!
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Ooo this seems different from other ones you have wrote in the past, I really like this new poem you wrote. The ending was beautiful, a bit feisty and defiant I like that!
Love you auntie.
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Nicely done. Your reminiscences are very clear. I admire the ability to do sonnets and other forms. I have never tried to do a sonnet. My forms are pretty much limited to acrostics and poorly done haiku.
Great job.
Mike
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Lovely, lovely, dancing words that rock and roll with a musical rhythm, what once passed for love has been surpassed by the last two lines which define and refine what lovingly and in reality truly came to be. With a love like this you have the ultimate trophy dear poetess.
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aahhh..
I THINK IS A BEAUTY OF A WRITE! I also applaud your doing this contest because I know here are some very good sonnet writers here so this is a contest that will
be boiling over in tough competition!
much luck to u big sis in the contest!
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