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Crystal /r/a/i/n/d/r/o/p/s/ s.p.i.l.l. from d*i*a*m*o*n*d eyes

Our " *L*OV*E* " is  u.n.r.e.q.u.i.t.e.d.
I GIVE & I GIVE & dont get a thing from you.
All I want (!!NEED!!) is for you is to tell me you *L*O*V*E* me.
All I want (!!NEED!!) is for you to tell me you need me 2.

|P|L|E|A|S|E| DONT  !L!E!A!V!E! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I couldn't handle being ....c.r.u.s.h.e.d....
or TO--RN,  I know you wont R---I---P me in ha-|-|- lf either.
You'll be sure to !L!E!A!V!E! me in unrepairable p...i...e...c...e...s,
You'll S
            P
                    L
                          A
                  T
        T
                  E
                          R  my  heart <3 on|C|
                                                    |A|
                                                    |N|
                                                    |V|
                                                    |A|
                                                    |S| and H
                                                                A
                                                                N
                                                                G it on your |W|A|L|L|.
                   
You'll be in a .H. of ecstacy at the sight of me in your constricted |p|r|i|s|o|n|
                  .G.                                4-EVER
                    .I.
You'll be in a .H. of ecstacy at the sight of my blood stained w\r\i\s\t and r_u_n_n_i_n_g mascara.
                                                        (4-EVER) A  .
                                          .  A  . M.                  D  . 
                                    .  I  .                                  D  .
B  .  E  .  C  .  U  .  S  .  E  .                                        I    .
                                                                                  C  .
                                                                                      T  .
                                                                                        C  .
                                                                                            T  .
                                                                                              E  .
                                                                                                D  .  2  .  U  .
I ..s..i..t.. alone ..U..P..O..N.. my wooden floor
(f)(l)(i)(p)(p)(i)(n)(g) though bLaCk & wHiTe, sEpIa photographs of U & I.
A PANG of .g.u.i.l.t. S=T=A=B=B=I=N=G at my heart <3 at your fake smiles : )
Why must you be so STUBBORN, why wont you *L*O*V*E* me?

Im .a.d.d.i.c.t.e.d. to you like after the first ~puff~ off a cigarette,
the first tingle of whiskey upon my lips.
The first D
                R
                  O
                    P of  b-l-o-o-d from my w\r\i\s\t caused by a new s|h|a|r|d of glass
you sweetie<3  are my daily .n.i.c.o.t.i.n.e.

Crystal /r/a/i/n/d/r/o/p/s/s
                                        P
                                        i
                                        l
                                        l  from  my *d*i*a*m*o*n*d* eyes.
From my w-r-i-s-t  ruby will continue to F
                                                            L
                                                              O
                                                              W Im  a.d.d.i.c.t.e.d 2 you............





OUR *L*O*V*E* is .u.n.r.e.q.u.i.t.e.d.
                                                             
               

Author notes

This is my 4th dirty pretty and I wrote this for a contest where we were given a list of words and asked to have our poem contain 13 of those words. I choose the second prompt, and I used 18 words instead of 13, hope thats okay.
*crystal
*shards
*unrequited
*cigarette
*whiskey
*nicotine
*stain
*raindrops
*crimson
*diamond
*stubborn
*high
*ecstacy
*drop
*splatter
*constricted
*photographs
*sepia

Please let me know what you think!

xxserendipityxx
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"evil angels are the best kind"

Hey! dirty pretty Is pretty much just emphasis on particular words using punctuation.

xxserendipityxx

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • VoltaicHypnosis gold member
    November 12
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    This is a very clever piece, though the background rubbed me up the wrong way. I'm also a little displeased that it has appeared in so many other contests.

    Still, I can see you went to a great deal of effort, and you did invoke the style of Dirty Pretty trhat I do so enjoy. Well done and thaknyou for your entry!

  • the evil angel
    May 9

    Edit | Reply
    I've already decided not to do dirty pretty, simply for the fact that I am a grammar nazi and it would NOT go well. But I really like the way you shaped this poem. It's quite unconventional and makes me think more while I read it than I normally would. Makes me wonder why you chose this and not that, etc. That's a great quality to this poem. Well done.


  • Antebellum
    March 29
    Edit | Reply
    I love how you started this.


  • ivans princess.
    March 11
    Edit | Reply

    wow i havent seen this dirty pretty before...awesome


  • Cyanide Dreams
    March 5

    Edit | Reply
    Hmm, I like it... Although there were a few things I didn't like. I didn't understand the reasoning for the first "because I am forever addicted to you" the way you wrote it... It just threw things off for me. The (!!NEED!!)was placed weirdly to me... Other than that I really liked it. I loved the "r_u_n_n_i_n_g" part, and I really like how you did "S=T=A=B=B=I=N=G"... This was also filled with great emotion and really good imagery... Thanks for entering.

    Josh


  • silver-X-lining gold member
    February 21

    Edit | Reply
    I love it! This is an awesome poem and you should be proud of it I especially liked it starting with the "you'll splatter my heart..." bit. It's heavily punctuated, but you made it work extremely well.

    The very beginning is still really good, but maybe just a bit less punctuation? It's mainly personal preference though. What I might suggest is using fewer exclamation points for extra punctuation earlier on... maybe leave the (!!NEED!!)'s and the L!E!A!V!E! in, but take out the exclamation-point-ish "Please don't leave me" line. It's a good idea to add emphasis but might stand out more if used a bit more sparingly, and a less punctuated line (you could add p.e.r.i.o.d.s or d-a-s-h-e-s or (something) somewhere might make the early bit a little less imposing.

    Well penned though, this is a great write. The dirty pretty is done really well (especially given that you're fairly new at it!), and the words stand well on their own as well. Well done & thanks for sharing ♥

    ~HH


  • August Starlight silver member
    February 20
    Edit | Reply
    I honestly really like it and I don't think you should change it... except you've mispelled a few words like unrepairable I think was one. And a few puncuation things like using apostrophes. I mean I'm kinda big on the grammar thing. I'm not really good at critiquing dirty pretty although I do like the style of this. And I can totally relate to this poem as well, that always helps.

  • Bruce silver member
    February 20

    Edit | Reply

    Great!

    I agree with your other readers - this is one of the best dirty pretty pieces out there. I do have a couple of suggestions I message you!


  • jayyniecakes.
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    aw... sad sad


    but it was really good for dirty pretty. one of the best dirty poems i've seen.

    :]


  • Coloured Skies
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    Wow!
    this was amazing, The way its been sey out with those words makes the poem better. I really liked this, Sad yet beautiful. I hope to read more types or writes like this.
    Keep penning.

    Tash

  • ImNotTheAnswer
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    I really really like the way this is written. You did a wonderful job with the prompt!
    "|P|L|E|A|S|E| !!DONT!! leave me I couldn't handle being ....c.r.u.s.h.e.d....
    or TO--RN, I know you wont R---I---P me in ha-|-|- lf either.
    You'll be sure to leave me in unrepareable p...i...e...c...e...s,"
    I absolutely loved that bit!

    Good luck!

    .xo


  • SceneQueen
    February 6
    Edit | Reply
    This is awesome, i like the setup of some of the words.. How they move over the page. Awesome!

1 - 13 of 13