Stronger

i close my eyes and pray to god
i pray you won't come home
i pray you won't find me
shaking on the floor
crying till my eyes are dry
puking from the pain
the pain in my head
the anguish that has no end

i pull at my hair
and bang my head on the wall
i sqweeze my eyes shut
cause i don't want to see at all
the light hurts my eyes
the noise hurts my ears
i can't stand to hear any of it
i don't want to be here
so while my eyes are tightly shut
i cup my hands over my ears
i block out the light, sound, and my fears

I think to myself
can this get much worse
then a pain in my abdomen hits
like a knife to my ribs
or a punch to the gut
i put a pillow where my hands had been
and dig my fingers into my ribs
i know i can't get rid of this throbing ache
but i can replace it with something else
i trade one pain for the other
and one fear for the next

I know if this doesn't kill me
it can and will make me stronger
so i try and hold on to my sanity
by thinking of all i have to live for
my husband, mom, and brother,
my aunts, my uncles, my cousins, and my friends
i can't leave them
i won't give up this fight
i won't let whatever this is win
i'll stand strong and ride it out
i'll plant my feet fermly on the ground
i'll hold my own
i'll keep my kool
you won't see this girl give in
it's not my way

Fear and pain are just mental things
they are something the brain makes up when it gets bored
i'm stronger than this
i'm a fighter
i'll keep my kool