Running through the woods,
leaves below my feet,
plants flashing by too quickly
to make out. A hole opens
before me, sending me falling,
tumbling into oblivion.
Colors, images, thoughts
all seem to whip
by, too brief to interpret
as I fall farther into nothing.
A bird comes into view,
feathers of every color,
paradise rolling off into the winds
behind it. A waterfall throws
down ice, crashing into a thousand
diamond shards.
As the diamonds melt
into a cloud of green
steam, a black iris
blooms under a blood moon,
sending wafts of scent
into me. A new unknown
never to be had again.
Author notes
Prompt: 2c.] Title: Phantasmagory
A contest entry
- Mystery Prompt Grab-Bag 01 (No Pre-Writes) by intoothandclaw.
700 points, ended March 29, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Oops, forgot:
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Nitty-Gritty:
You use "to" in a couple of spots where you mean "too". "Father" should be "farther", I assume? (Also, it occurred to me that "feather-fall" would be a good substitution for "fall farther", but it's up to you whether you want to use it or not.)
The narrator never actually lands -- just goes from falling to a paradise. Is this intentional? It gives a surreal sort of 'still-falling-or-not?' feeling which may or may not be what you meant.
There are some interesting turns of phrase here. "A new unknown, never to be had again," is the most striking, I think.
I probably should have been more specific. I intended this prompt as a portmanteau of "phantasmal" and "gory". I forgot that 'Phantasmagory' is itself a word.
None of which is your fault. I just have to re-use the idea in a different form elsewise. Thanks much and good luck!
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Heh, I'd never heard of "phantasmagory" before, so I looked it up in the dictonary. I don't know how much of an inspiration I would of gotten out of your origional intention of the prompt, not much of a "gore" writer here.
I'll deffinatly go fix those errors whenI get home (again, not on a gov comp), I found it hard to end the piece, but I like that last line, and as I was trying to think of a way to end it, I realized it was pretty good as is for an ending. Not sure about "feather-fall" sounds too much like a slow fall to me, and I wanted this poem to be faced paced with a lot of imagry, like the deffinition of the word intends. Thanks anyway though!
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A waterfall throws
down ice, crashing into a thousand
diamond shards...
extremely well woven poem...exceptional writing
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