1976: The Bums of San Francisco

Bum#1

It was mid morning as we entered a seedy little downtown cafe.
Both of us starving, we slid into a booth and checked the menu.
There was a young couple in the next booth and a bum directly
across from them at the counter.
The bum turned to the couple and asked for a cigarette. 
The guy said sure and I watched as he handed the bum a hand rolled cigarette.
The bum said thanks and rotated his stool back to face the counter.
He lit it immediately and began to smoke away.
My friend, myself and the young couple began to laugh as the cafe filled
with the familiar smell of marijuana smoke. I guess the joke was on us because the place was packed and no one batted an eye or ever said a word.
After he smoked the whole joint, the bum turned around with red glazed eyes and gave the young couple one of the most joyful smiles of gratitude that I have ever seen.

Bum#2

My high school friend David and I decided to walk around the city and do some sightseeing on our second day in San Francisco. For those of you unfamiliar with the city, walking can be difficult. It's up and down up and down. Anyway, as we began to walk up a steep city block toward the bay, we definately spotted a site. This extremely drunk bum was crouched and leaning at the same time up against a building right on the edge of the sidewalk. He looked as if he was glued in that uncomfortable position. As we approached, without saying a word, he motioned with his right hand index finger pointing and tapping the end of a cigarette butt. He wanted a light obviously. So, David pulled out a lighter and got closer to light the butt, but he noticed that the bum had it turned backward in his mouth. David said, "Hey, buddy you got it backwards." The bum only responded by continuing to tap the end of the cigarette butt. David told him again that it was backwards. This time the bum started to look impatient and tapped faster. David said, "Ok, buddy" and lit the filter end. The bum started puffing away and we just walked on laughing.

Bum#3

David and I walked out of the north end of downtown toward a little park near the bay.
We were on our way to check out the shops and get some seafood. As we were about a half a block from the park, we noticed a bum ahead of us staggering from side to side.
He could barely keep his feet under himself. He weaved back and forth through tourists and through traffic as he crossed the street. Nothing could stop this guy; he was on a mission staggering ever faster. We weren't sure what this bum was up to, but then it became clear. Once he crossed through traffic and stumbled across the sidewalk, he barely reached the edge of the green grass of the park when he instantaneously ran out of gas falling forward doing a world class face plant into the grass. Mission complete. I guess he just wanted a nice place to sleep it off.

Bum#4

Throngs of tourists were hanging around at the wharf eating seafood, as we were doing the same. I noticed that the seagulls were very sharp. They were hanging around the garbage can waiting for the next tourist to throw in their leftovers. Then I noticed the competition. A young scrubby looking bum about our age ran over to the garbage can a few seconds after a tourist discarded her meal. The bum seemed to wait for what was the polite amount of time before trying to retrieve it, but a seagull got there first. The bum tried shooing the gull away, but the bird wasn't going to give up that easily and began to peck at the scruffy dude. The bum flinched and jumped back, but he was hungry too. He started swinging his arms and screamed at the bird. The seagull was startled and flapped up into the air a few feet giving Scruffy just enough time to snatch the food off the top of the pile. He ran off and started scarfing it down. It was pretty amusing, but the lady who put the food in there in the first place was horrified at the whole scene.

Bum#5

Since we had such a great breakfast scene the day before, we decided to return to the seedy cafe once again for breakfast. As luck would have it, more fun was to follow.
We took the same booth again and ordered our breakfast. As we waited for our food, a commotion started at the end of the counter toward the door. Here it was 9 am and a drunk bum was trying to get some free coffee. As he was getting more belligerant, a proper looking businessman came in from the street and stood next to the bum and ordered coffee to go. The bum kept it up getting louder and louder ranting about this and that. The businessman turned to the bum and said, "you should be ashamed of yourself." The bum turned and got in his face and yelled, "Who the fuck do you think you are. I'm the king of the world." At that moment I had no doubt that he was. I wonder if he is getting any royalties from James Cameron for using that now famous line in the movie Titanic. I enjoyed it much more in the cafe. What a superb performance.