I知 slurring my thoughts like a drunken with his words.
My eyes are glazed with a gauzy veener and I知 looking at you from the wrong end of a telescope;
[[You look so far away..]]
My ears pert on my neck are nothing but sculptures of uselessness.
I want to bundle all this lethargy into a neatly cut off cube and throw it behind my worries;
[[but the wind always tosses it back.]]
My hand is interlocked with yours but my fingers grow cold.
Your lips are pressing on mine but I feel like I知 kissing a soft marble.
[[Where are you?]]
And I can hear your laughter drift across the skies and settle into my paranoia.
Your friends are girls and I知 beginning to think that you want them more then me.
[[s-s-stop me if I知 wrong.]]
All I知 praying for is a soft reassurance that your irises have not dilated and foreseen our end.
Because I知 hanging by a thread here and these silk heartstrings aren稚 going to last much longer.
[[save me baby, I still love you.]]
And I can see a hint of who we used to be in a your sad crystalline smile.
You look at me and see a clothed ghost; speaking words out of frozen throats.
[[Please say it isn稚 so.]]
What happened? Where did we go? Where did I go?
I知 stuck between lines of confusion like prison cell walls.
[[Quick; find the key.]]
And your syllables are draining a little more repeated then they used too.
And your intent is a little dimmer then the brightness of your sparkle.
[[Just shine for me one more time]]
The stars are melancholy lighting the dark canvas sky as I知 screaming in silence.
The quiet is wrapping round my like a sweater that痴 too tight.
[[so baby; undress me.]]
And there are these slight moments where your watch stops ticking and the world is nothing but matter.
And in these ephemerons of seconds; I catch a glimpse at everything I used to feel.
One day; I値l have it back.
[[But for now, I have to fight for every breath.]]
Author notes
Written about the apprhension of uncertainty.
I hope in complies :/
Prompt: http://roinja.deviantart.com/art/My-Home-Ghost-74978374
-The picture seemed quite lonely; so i tried to incorprate that to the poem. Hope you like.
A contest entry
- Picture Prompt ~ Real by Catie Sheeran.
1400 points, ended February 25, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [caution.] trouble ahead. by redhanded.
575 points, ended February 6, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
. . . There's not much left to say . . .
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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very well written ...only one critique ..the first line, I think it would sound better if you use the word drunk, rather than drunken. but that's, of course, up to you. just a suggestion
I really like the form you used in this piece and the metaphors are really good too. thanks for posting
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wow this is a-mazing thank you so very much for entering and best of luck to you in this contest
andi
(redhanded) -
You look at me and see a clothed ghost; speaking words out of frozen throats..........
One day; I’ll have it back.
[[But for now, I have to fight for every breath.]]
Love it!!!
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I luv the use of the brackets, it really does help excentuate the uncertainty of the speaker.
I completely felt that emotion all the way through, even before reading your A/N.
very nicely done!!! of course =)
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i felt like this all the time near the end of my relatioship with my ex. a wonderful write!
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"your watch stops ticking and the world is nothing but matter."
Love that line..
"One day; I’ll have it back.
[[But for now, I have to fight for every breath.]]"
that one too...
Brilliant write...
Love it...
might want to re-read it...
but overall it's excellent!
XOXO -
"I’m slurring my thoughts like a drunken with his words."
is that meant to be a drunk with his words? -
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nahh actually it's meant to read like that.
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Alright, I'm gonna go all critical on your butt, because those are the kind of reviews I like to recieve best.
Let's start with this one:
My eyes are glazed with a gauzy blankness and I’m looking at you from the wrong end of a telescope;
I don't like the word "blankness" in here, it totally takes away from the elegance, which every other word is somehow portraying, no matter your theme.
Maybe "My eyes are glazed with a gauzy film and I’m looking at you from the wrong end of a telescope;"
I think film fits better, but any word is fineee.
Next.
"off cube and throw it behind my back;
[[but the wind always tosses it back.]]"
The use of the word 'back' at the end of both sentances throws me off. Maybe do this:
"off cube and throw it behind me;
[[but the wind always seems to toss it back.]]"
but that's just me.
"these silk heartstrings aren’t going to last my longer."
do you mean 'much longer'?
Btw, I love that. :]
After those two suggestions, I'm totally in love with the rest of this.
This was really really good.
LOVED it. <3
Awesome job, dear.
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ah; yes i do mean that, thank you; I never edit my work properly...:/ And very observant with the back.. Thanks heaps=]=]
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Of course! :]
Anything for my biggest fan. ;D -
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Hehe i love the title. But anyways; Is this better?
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Do you mean "Panic" as in "Panic! At the disco"? I know alot of their songs, but I don't recall anything about the moon falling in love with the sun.
Oh well.
xD
Yes, it's perfect now.
You're an amazing writer. <3 -
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Yessum;; It's of their latest album: Pretty. Odd.
and thanks aagain for the comments. Makes Me blush deeply from your approval. You made my nday this time=] -
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Ooo, I haven't listened to them in ages.
Well, in all good fairness, me and Panic can share that line.
hahaha.
of course, don't think you're not awesome, 'cause you soo are. <3
and my approval?
Ha!
I feel so dumb commenting peoples things all the time, because I'll point out something to them and they'll be like "yeah, that's why it's this certain form...that's how it works. Duh."
and I feel sooo dumb.
hahahahaa. -
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haha i know that feeling. Though i like to see how to poems read in other peoples eyes. YEah i am a HUGE panic fan. Like pretty die hard. I saw them live an almost passed out with ecstasy. Yeah the lyrics is::
"When the moon fell in love with the sun, all was golden in the sun"
so i thought you had gotten inspiration from that. But heyy; You share the minds of ryan Ross. Thats pretty damn awesome if you ask me. -
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Hahahhaa I know I should just stop commenting people's stuff 'cause I always look like an idiot when I do it.
I used to be like, OBSESSED with Panic...I don't know what happened. I still really like them and stuff, I just stopped listening them as much.
xD
WEIRD.
I seriously had no idea.
yeah, that is pretty awesome.
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AHHHHHHH this is absolutley stunning i luv this the way your wrote it is INGENIUS!!!
love kt
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Why thank you=]
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