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city lights and late night subway rides

 

 

 

 

 

 


I needed a peek at the world

we had been living in a

balloon for one whole year and 

sometimes I wondered if the world

existed outside of us.

see anything interesting?

I shook my head. your smile was

a wide river. It soaked me through. 


 
  

 

 

I taught you everything

 
you need to know about
women, I said. someday someone

will thank me for it. I was 

playing the seductress and flashed

an imaginary cigarette for effect. you

kissed my fingertips but didn’t

say anything and now I wonder if 

even then, you knew.

 

 

 

 

 

so how’re things with you?


I’ll never ask what I want 
to know and you’ll never tell 
if all that we had, did mean
anything. but every morning before

I wake up, I feel your heartbeat.
 
it falls on me light as dawn

and cuts me into strips of I

love you. 

 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • CaliOkie silver member
    February 15, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    "Strips of 'I love you.'" "We had been living in a balloon for one whole year."

    Your imagery is vibrant. You say so much in the space between the lines. What isn't said is what this one is all about . . . and what isn't said is really the important thing.

    Excellent.

    Garrison


  • ariazephyrzoe gold member
    February 10, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    sigh...oh I just love this so much...everything!


  • Dalaney gold member
    February 9, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I wanted to come back here now that the contest is over and tell you this was really good. I didn't feel it quite captured the prompt so well, but who cares? I recognize a fine writer when I see one, and I will be reading more of you. Love, Lane

  • Dalaney gold member
    February 9, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I think you did very well.  Thank you for entering.  Love, Lane


  • HereComesTheSun
    February 8, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    wow awesome use of coma's and periods it really effects the poem and give its the gold medal glow in which all you write does


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    February 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply

    awesome write! I like the format you used ...it was very effective

    every word of this piece is PERFECT! don't change a thing! I mean it!

    "I needed a peek at the world

    we had been living in a
    balloon for one whole year and
    sometimes I wondered if the world
    still existed outside of us.
    see anything interesting?
    I shook my head. your smile was
    a wide river of delight. It
    soaked me through. "
    --((that first line definately grabbed me and pulled me in and I was floating, peering inside your balloon. absolutely love the entire first stanza!))

    "I taught you everything
    you need to know about
    women, I said. someday someone
    will thank me for it. I was
    playing the seductress and flashed
    an imaginary cigarette for effect. you
    kissed my fingertips but you didn’t
    say anything and now I wonder if
    even then, you knew."
    --(('I taught you everything you need to know about women' Awesome line! --'I play the seductress and flashed an imaginary cigarette for effect' I like how you are happy and playful here and then in contrast how your partner is more serious --'you kissed my fingertips but you didn't say anything and now I wonder if even then, you knew.' and now you are re-analyzing his response later. ))

    "so how’re things with you?


    I’ll never ask what I really want
    to know "
    -- ((I love this! this is true reality. everyone can relate. very simple, yet powerful.))


    "it falls on my body in ribbons and
    cuts me into strips of I
    love you."
    --((way to end this piece! beautiful imagery of what lies deep in your heart. lovely))


    Definately one of my favorites of yours :)

     

    good luck to you, I know Lane will sooooo *love* this:)

     

     

     







  • chloris
    February 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    did you know when i see or notice "adult" category i hardly read anything...
    good that you didn't categorize it... if you would i have never read ... this doesn't create unnecessary "visuals" like the others...
    i loved this... you might want to edit the second bit for the font... lol... that happens to me everytime i use the cool fonts... usually the line breaks disappear from mine...


  • Amera gold member
    February 6, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    You left a nice comment on one of my poems so I decided to come to your house and pay a visit. I'm glad I did, this is wonderful! I was riveted to this poem from beginning to end. Great work!

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • funshine-bear
    February 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    omg you are wayyyyyyyyyy tooooo gooodd!!!!
    " I’ve taught you everything


    that you need to know about
    women, I said, someday someone

    will thank me for it. I was

    playing the seductress and flashed

    an imaginary cigarette for effect. you

    smiled and kissed my fingertips but you didn’t

    say anything and now I wonder if

    even then, you knew."
    thats my favorite stanza... of the amazinggnessssss!!!! I loved the form... the whole thing was wonderfully written. good luck in your contest!!!!
    huggggggggglezzzzzzzz,
    adria


  • bw43
    February 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    hmmm.... I liked it. I like the last line... the way it implies you are first place winner. I like the whole thing, as sad as it was :-( beautiful.

    i was surprised by the length!!!


  • Cannonsfire
    February 5, 2009
    Edit | Reply
    I like but some needs tightening...the third stanza...'woman' (a woman) or women?

    Where you have 'smiled and kissed my hand..think the next bit is awkward..perhaps ...but didn't speak.?
    Think some filler words can go, make the voice stronger in the piece.

    'knew even then' take out 'even'
    just general observations hun..interesting piece.


  • jazzcat gold member
    February 5, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I like this a lot.  I think the deeper I got into, the more I liked it. The last two stanzas really shine and make the whole piece work. The subtlety of your message in the early part is nice, but again, for me, the ending really made this an affective piece.


  • chilali
    February 4, 2009

    Edit | Reply
    I love you ended this. Lane is going to love this, I tell you! amazing work.
    Good luck in the contest!

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