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feigning indifference






"you look lonely"
I state, my plate
full of unwomanly-
like foods.

you make room
for me, becoming
interested in
the cracks of
the table. I'm
just able to
unvoice

my annoyance.

"been busy"
you say as you
play in the
spilt salt in front
of you.

not true. I think.
such bullshit.
and I guess
this is it for
the two of us.

you twist your
thumb in the
grains the same
way you might
an open wound.

this is not
new to me.

I'll leave and
not see you
again except
when it's
convenient and
unapt with no
strings attached
to your finger.

and that is
how you like
things. no
loveless flings,
just a quick
exchange of
sperm

and an unconcerned
"thanks"
for the fuck.

Author notes

it's always about the sex.

A contest entry

Any advice is welcome

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, raw and real, like a Bukowski piece. Excellent write hun and congrats on the silver too!

    mj.


  • charcoal
    February 12
    Edit | Reply
    this is poetry (as opposed to boredom)


  • film
    February 12
    Edit | Reply
    this is great, every single line


  • righteousme
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    nit-pickers annoy me ... i think your piece speaks volumes and it is saddening to me because i see myself in it ... as the bad guy ... and the whole piece overall is so up in your face ... just how i like them ...


  • crisstiena
    February 6

    Edit | Reply
    Sorry to nit-pick, but "exchange" of sperm? This implies two males ... is that really what you were portraying? Also, the use of periods/full stops at the end of your lines is disconcerting when you are not capitalising the beginnings.

    On the whole, this is an intelligent, well-worded piece that should do well in this contest.

    Best
    ~ crisstiena




    • zillion
      February 6
      Edit | Reply
      Nah. Just "exchange" as in to give something with the expectation of receiving something in return or in place of. And I rarely capitalize words in my poetry. Just a preference. Thanks for your comment, and nitpicking is always welcome. What would criticism be without it?


  • sharptooth
    February 5

    Edit | Reply
    i like the choppiness of the stanzas - gives it rhythm and actually adds to the subject material of the poem; emphasizing the short, emotionless interactions.

    wellwritten

  • piggyback
    February 5
    Edit | Reply
    I know how it feels sometimes. The last bit really spoke to me.


  • autarky
    February 4
    Edit | Reply
    it is, but your poetry is almost as painful as the subject. which means it's really, really good.

1 - 10 of 10