A thousand photo albums
could never display
the way portraits were made.
Though, in just one
you could capture
the way we became
tragic masterpieces.
Remember me-
the way you first saw me,
behind lengths of butterfly lashes;
fluttering over Iris.
Smiles flashed on notes of your lies,
veiled beneath Non-Photo blue.
Shutters snapped over a moment
almost lost to time.
Remember me-
as I seethed beneath threads
of wire spiral fingertips.
Hot enough to burn
the feel of me, beneath your flesh.
I developed in memoirs
of lightproof heartbeats.
I pined; embedded within your chest,
the frenzies of an aching body
contained in strength of bones ;
as they parrot rhythms
of suspired moans.
tongue's taste-
curled around coveted lips;
caught between the hunger of teeth.
febrile breath-
impossible to catch
no more than a thrust apart.
You opened my legs like bare scrapbook pages;
where you stamped confetti pieces of infidelity.
You framed lust in heart shapes,
and colored me in sin.
Negatives of every promise,
stored on shelves of another mistake.
Behind windows of camera souls
think of me; for the dream
that I could have been.
And remember me, baby
the way I looked that night-
you shot me.
With backdrops of a dirty creek,
in nothing but the light of moon.
A contest entry
- the audition round. by stargazer..
800 points, ended May 21, 2009, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would love a critical comment on how I can make these lyrics better.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Originality: (10/10)
Emotion: (9/10)
Poetic devices: (17/20)
Structure/flow: (9/10)
Cohesion: (8/10)
Title relating to poem: (10/10)
Personal opinion: (9/10)
Syntax: (9/10)
Diction: (9/10)
Total: 90/100 -
Originality: (9/10)
Emotion: (10/10)
Poetic devices: (18/20)
Structure/flow: (7/10)
Cohension: (9/10)
Title relating to poem: (9/10)
Personal opinion: (8/10)
Syntax: (8/10)
Diction: (9/10)
Total: (87/100)
Very nice-tells a story, very creative and emotional. Good job! -
93
Originality 9
Creativity/Poetic device 10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10
Cohesion 10
Emotion/personality/edge 10
Impact/Reaction 9
mechanics: 5
rules followed: 5
diction/verbiage: 4
syntax: 5
Title: 3
overall opinion: 4
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0
Total possible: 100
I loved the way you wrote the last three stanzas, awesome ending.
Title could have been a loooooot better!
But everything else was very nice. I like your emotion. 
To be honest, I really would have liked to felt a lot more to give the X-Factor, but this is a strong piece by itself. Nice job.
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This was, as Tyler has said very raw and real. The images are rich in sensory depth, calling not on a sense or two to absorb meaning, but all five senses, which really gives the poem a very emotionally driven value.
This is one of those poem that makes me say WOW!
s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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100 - X Factor
First off, before I even score this --- damn! This was raw, real -- yet at the same time rather polished for having such a raw edge.
This was very good. And I am going to tell you why.
The opening was right on the money. Sure, it wasn't the most original image, but your voice could be heard - and the line breaking helped bring the emotion out.
So already, the first two stanzas have impressed me.
The next part was rather cheesy, in my opinion - but it's your passion that kept it rolling. And the repetition was very effective! Great use of repetition. Honestly, I think this is the first time a contestant has used repetition effectively [in my opinion].
The strategy here was genius:
"tongue's taste-"
"febrile breath-"
It added so much conviction to this.
And the rest of it just intensified and flowed, and the ending was stellar.
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 10/10
Cohesion 10/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 10/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 4/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 3/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 5/5
Total: 100
As for where you were marked down in several spots:
Originality: -1 because some of your ideas weren't the most original, i.e. the butterfly image. Pretty, but not original. Everything else seemed original enough to me, therefore you got a 9.
The flow of it was slightly messed up due to filler words, such as "the".
Example:
"in nothing but the light of the moon" - you had it that way.
I'd suggest:
"in nothing but the light of moon"
or
"in nothing but moonlight"
My second suggestion is the most concise, but the first one clearly stays true to what you originally wrote. I'll let you make the call on that one.
Also, look for other spots where you had "the" - where that word could be taken out.
The pronoun "I" -- i have seen it used more frequently by another contestant, but be careful in the future --- remember not to use too many "i"s...and the same goes for other pronouns too.
Lastly, the title...I liked "photogenic murder" - a bit dramatic, but it would have pulled me in, so it works. i would have given it 5/5, personally. But "A Heart Breaks" - just kind of gave me the wrong idea, that it wasn't going to be good...but of course, i was wrong, as your score suggests.
Overall though, this was excellent. Arguably your best one so far.
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Thank you very much for your thorough comment Ty! I wanted to make up for last round and work hard on using poetic devise and emotion in a more balanced manner. I want this to be the best that I can make it and therefore I will definitely use your suggestions. When I read this I see exactly the spots you are talking about. That's funny about the title... the title originally was just "Photogenic Murder" I thought it sounded so dramatic... though I rather liked it... so I added the heartbreak part to make it less dramatic(even though I do not care for it as much... a little too cliche even for me.) I had also thought of "Heart Beats and Photogenic Screams"
Anyway, thank you again for the time taken to read and comment. I am honored to have another chance in this contest. I will not disappoint.
Amy
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92
Originality 9/10
Creativity/Poetic device 10/10
Line-breaks/emphasis/flow/structure 9/10
balance of abstraction/imagery/ideas 9/10
Cohesion 9/10
Emotion/personality/edge 10/10
Impact/Reaction 9/10
mechanics: 5/5
rules followed: 5/5
diction/verbiage: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
Title: 3/5
overall opinion: 4/5
Extra credit ~ X Factor: 0/5
Total possible: 92
I enjoyed this. Good luck!
Laura
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I really like where you took this prompt - you've created a snapshot that's literally worth a thousand words of your story and your emotion. Wonderfully done.
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I agree,lovely imingery of past photographs, it leaves me with a content smile...good luck in the contest
mm
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this is very good; i can’t see many problems with it!
i love the first two stanzas, they really pull the reader into the rest of the poem and set a nice scene.
The 3rd stanza, especially these lines :
behind the length of butterfly lashes;
fluttering over Iris.
seem a little cliché, I’d change that to something more about eyes. how it’s all the person saw or something. lot’s of pretty imagery as eyes are so beautiful.
next stanza is one of my favorites, these lines :
Shutters snapped over a moment
almost lost to time.
are AMAZING. Seriously gorgeous.
i like the repetition of; Remember me – very effective.
tongue's taste-
curled around coveted lips;
caught between the hunger of teeth.
beautiful, fantastic use alliteration.
the rest all looks perfect to me. i can only see that one little thing that i pointed out earlier. this is fantastic, I’m so glad you asked me to comment it! i don’t see how you can get eliminated with this, it’s stunning. you really took an interesting spin on the prompt, i could read this over and over!
Best of luck.
ElectricBloom
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...Wow. I loved the poem. I'm not entirely sure how it could be improved.
In the second to last line; shouldn't it be "backdrops" instead of "bacdrops"? >.> Just thought I might point out a spelling error if it is one.
Keep up the amazing work.
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Thank you very much for your comment, and yes it should be. I did not catch that typo, thank you for pointing it out. I certainly would have been dropped points for that. I appreciate the time taken to read and comment on my work, it means a lot to me.
Amy
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