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More or Less


~After~

Silver linings in circular designs
carved along the sides
    ~breaking~
    scratching the walls
    persistently ripping
    old rusty iron
    melting in my smooth hands
    now, severely damaged.

I scream
voices quickly
responding to my call..

...only to know they were mine.

~Before~

Constructive imagination
  slowing
  resting under a banyan tree
  counting leaves
  smelling nature
  playing with canes and sweet candies
  loving kisses
        tingling my senses.

I scream
voices quickly
responding to my call

...my mother, my father and my brother.



And hence, I lose
  seven minutes of an old song
  ten seconds of the tree's smell
and still trying to find
unhygenic escape routes.

I shudder
  I cry
  but I know that the more I try
      the less I find the end.


 

 


Author notes

Algrin: "How's your poem coming?"

Katsumoto: "The end is proving difficult."


I have taken the prompt that I have shifted from being a happy cheerful poetess to a dark depressed poetess and I cant seem to find a stop to this depression era.

Thanks for the amazing prompt

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    March 1

    Edit | Reply
    THis is excellent. Those final words drew this piece to a great conclusion. The metaphors were great also. Best to you in the contest


  • couldbeworse
    February 20

    Edit | Reply
    And hence, I lose
    seven minutes of an old song
    ten seconds of the tree's smell
    and still trying to find
    unhygenic escape routes.

    loved this!


  • TheSpiralGenerator
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    I found this poem to be amazingly written. I loved your take on the prompt as well. Good luck in the contest!

    -Sadien


  • untouched pages
    February 9

    Edit | Reply
    I found the imagery stunning... plus the repeating of certain parts.. well done as well!!! This reminded me of detox... I once was addictied to pain killers.... and the detox and to get me cleaned up totaly was so pain full... I was not only in pain but It was the pain of not having the comfort of it!!!


  • Everwind Rising
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    Here is some really great use of imagery to convey emotion. The way you contrast the iron and the tree; the beautiful and the ugly. I must admit that I would have had no idea what this poem was about without reading the author notes but after reading them I find that the poem is beautifully written to express it's theme.

    Even without the benefit of understanding the theme of the poem your excellent use of imagery conveyed the emotion of the piece to me as I read it.

1 - 6 of 6