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Quiet

snow settles, cotton fluff
rich greens choked in thick whites,
                    dripping sopping plaster
into air, speechless, suffocated.

budding creatures wander,
    radiating ignorance, innocence.
staggering, lurching to and fro with squeals of joy
the youngsters leap and spin,
tingling with reckless joy

silence strikes, ears perk as hearts seizure
eyes slowly slide, jerk as
                  the hunter's presence registers

tranquility shivers, airborne,
and shatters

a stumble in serenity,
life paints the winter scene
      red

Author notes

"...a change of mood"

A contest entry

What be your thoughts?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    February 16

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    I thought this was just amazing. Here I found myself in this beautiful spring scene with all the creatures so carefree and playful. The whole first part was just full of motion and sound. I totally thought of a Bambi-like scene when the animals were jumping about watching him learn to walk--that sort of playful innocence.

    Then, "silence strikes"---wow--what an amazing interruption. STRIKES is so powerful there. Then the next line or two totally draws you into this sudden invasion, the reason all the playfulness stopped. It really had a marvelous effect, especially with the addition of the animals' physical response and stillness. I really thought that was amazing.

    Yikes that ending is so tragic. It's Bambi's momma all over again!!!! Seriously, though, the mood change is palpable and grabs my heart. The change in diction set it up perfectly. I totally enjoyed this one! Good luck in the contest.


  • Everwind Rising
    February 15

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting take of the prompt. Good twist at the end. The imagery is pretty clear up to the "silence strikes" I sumbled over that as I read it. I'm not sure what you are trying to say there. How does silence strike? What does that mean exactly? These were the questions that went through my mind as I read this peice and so it interupted the experience of the piece for me.

    I think that last stanza is really well written. I love that image of stumbling in serenity. Its a kind of paradox expressed in consonance. And that last line leaves such a strongly impacting impression.


    • wonderbandalice
      February 15
      Edit | Reply
      I think that by "silence strikes" I meant something along the lines of that the animals stopped moving, and silence hit. If that makes sense?

      Thank you.