I’m losing patience in this hospital,
spit on the tables - inhospitable
disturbed doctors lurk down the corridors,
syringes at the ready – diabollically horrible!
To save my "mental health" I tried to top myself,
so they doubled my dose and left me comatose
now I can’t feel my toes and in the days I doze,
daily diagnosed - doctors... they come and go
A danger to myself - a risk to you too,
the best place for me is supposedly this zoo
So what can be done - what can you do...?
When I idolise the devil and I'm part of Satan’s crew
They say I lack in-sight that I can’t see inside;
that my minds disordered and disorganised
Burnt out psychosis is the best prognosis
We’ve all given up hope but I'm the only one who knows this yet!
Diagnosis daily - medicated murder
driving me mad with all of their clinical fervour
rambling pacing mindless brain racing
a jockey-less horse can’t run any further
Every day at dawn nurses come make my bed,
“suffocate me now bitch, put a pillow to my head!” (scream)
And when they go home my hell still goes on,
each day I’m alive I become more withdrawn
Bouncing around the walls like a basket ball
If I'm a basket case then I'm a basket full
tied up in a straight jacket in the seclusion room
where I have a delusion that I'm still-born in the womb
I Snap a biro pen and when its shape is sharp
I use it as a blade and scrape it up my arm
No need to be alarmed because I’m not un-armed
Its only self-harm to shred my skin and purge my heart
finally I find relief - release pen from palm
I let red blood run and now I feel more calm
Lie back and think of mum and where it all went wrong?
Well most kids got packed lunch, my mum just packed a punch!
Each day was so dark I was bullied in the park,
On my way to school kids would make me stand in dog pooh
What was I to do? odd one out I could not blend
That’s when my biro pen first became my best friend!
But I was patient in the end and when I had the chance to re-offend
I stabbed the doctor right in his eyeball and laughed as
blood ran down my ball point biro
nine nurses heard and came to apprehend,
to pull me off of him they had to over-extend…
they bent my neck until it broke...
my last breath died with a muffled c h o k e
A contest entry
- prewrite contest ENTER ENTER ENTER by serenity silvermoon.
569 points, ended February 8, 100 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I'm working on rhyme and flow, any help here would be gr8. Also I'[d like a ghood twist at the end, any ideas???
Comments
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Amazing
Wow, I'm not really into this type of dark poetry, But after reading this it has opened my eyes to this poetry. This is an amazing write and I can see why the person feels as if they are trapped and the only way to release all the anger is through self-pain. Held captive in that hospital would have anyone going crazy. Once again, amazing write. I really enjoyed reading this.
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Oo neems, im just tryna grasp meter and i thought i'd look over ur poem - and i saw sumin that u mite like... instead of 'lie back' ..what about 'lie numb' ...cos u got mum in there and it rhymes and kinda gives more flow, christ i dunno, but do it! Else i'll chop off ya toe!!!
okay...im gettin rhymey to i better go write.
lovesyaaa
tamtam -
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Metre is mainly about the pattern of the syllables as far as I can see, be better if I could work one out wiv ya on da fone so you can see wot I mean! ...ure gonna have ta chop off a toe ;-) cos I think i'm gonna keep "lie back" cos it spits betta. I think this is cos of the word "blood" in the line above, "packed" in the line below and cos "back" is stressed and so is easier to say whereas "numb" ain't... "numb" makes me feel a bit tongue tied. Remember I am writing with the future goal of spittin rhymes live rather than the poem/rap being a finished form in itself!
Keep on sailing safe journey...
love nima
Ps check ure email and the links to karl marx poems wen he woz 18 yrs old, dere wkd X
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Very dark and sad words here.
I hope that this isn't true for you!
Take care and good luck with this
write. Thanks a lot for sharing it
with us all here and keep up the
wonderful work!
Jeremy0826 -
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Dear Jeremy, thanks for ure comment... Yes its very dark. I work on a psychiatric ward and the poem expresses the nightmarish quality of the experiences that I glimpse beneath the distress of our most disturbed patients...
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sorry to be picky, but when ever i hear the word 'idolise' in relation to devilish things, i prefer the word 'worship'..but thats just me so if you prefer idolise keep it that way.
I love this idea, i presume you've incorporated a few different stories and symptoms of the people u work with and created a bit of an assortment if you will.
for a twist at the end...maybe...you could say somin like...
"my last breath was a muffled choke...
but secretly i know, they just wanted to shove snaking tounges down my throat and infect me with a tounge-poking stroke"
LOL abit sinister and sadistic i know.
i dno, u can probs think of a better twist Lol. i probs will in the middle of the night or some crazy shit and bite awake and scream. cos' ur poem had a really vivid impact on me - im kinda, taken aback. because its horrifying, but even more so cos' i know its based on alot of truths
!!!
Neems i still dont understand what meter is, but i think im begining to grasp it..but it seems so hard. is it like, for example; the second sylabble in each of the last words of ur first stanza is unstressed or summit?? explainnnnnnn to me!!
Your deffo getting beter at poetry, and i kno its summin to do with that meter stuff, cos i think the meter crap is about matching the way the reader reads it to the content of the poem so it fits...so if u want sumin to read fast in certain points u unstress sylabbles in certain places etc ??
the packed lunch and packed punch idea was great Lol. but you kind of made it like a bit funny which i dno if u were trying to do or what, but it kinda took the seriousness of the matter away - which is lucky cos' i think if u ddnt i would have to get a biro pen myself......................................
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some paragraph's rythme like
Every day at dawn nurses make my bed,
they try to be kind but they wish I were dead
And when they’re at home my hell still lives on,
diabolically read in this place filled with dread
and some dont ryhme like
But inhuman systems tied the hands of trust,
and blunted the potential of each one of us!
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
so I'm left losing patients in the hospital!
so if you try ang do with all ryhme or no rhyme i think it will make more sense apart from that i really enjoyed reading this deadly piece. Ilike the varivty of words you have used. Keep penning
xxlana
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Yeah youre right!
Hi Lana, thanks for your comment. I completely agree with you, I have deleted that stanza that didn't rhyme at all! Thanks X
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