I am naked against rain,
soaking September skin
where purity splashes puddles of time
and I fall;
into grandma's arms
that wrap as afghan
on cold mornings-
Fingers trace cracks of daylight
painting my face in harvest colors
as camouflage covers past transgressions,
allowing delusions
to rapture history;
and my mind freezes
in January sun
buckling woven knees
where I curl as a ribbon on
a forgotten Christmas present
isolated in frigid forest;
my tongue becomes
a luscious meadow
poking through my
April shell,
fracturing my scars;
I am quenched within
hungry soul,
as I taste tomorrow's sun.
Author notes
.http://zardo.deviantart.com/art/Peaceful-lake-52013609
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: Round 2 by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended February 13, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended March 22, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your best freeverse. by jayyniecakes..
400 points, ended March 19, 63 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Heaven by Heavenly Angel.
700 points, ended March 27, 76 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Oh very creative and so very well written
This is a fine sharing and I am glad for the opportunity to have read it
Thank you for being part of this contest!
All the best to you! -
90
I didn't understand the significance of the months in there. They seemed tacked on. Other than that, I thought you had a solid poem with some interesting phrases.
"painting my face in harvest colors
as camouflage covers past transgressions,
allowing delusions
to rapture history"
-loved this. there's a lot of depth to it.
originality: 8/10
creativity: 8/10
cohesion: 9/10
organization: 10/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
emotion/personality/edge: 8/10
Impact/Reaction: 8/10
title: 4/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 90
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wow
this is a great way to start a poem
i mean amzign
i loved how it flowed and went through
great stuff here really
<333 -
GAH. Your images were brilliant!!
I especially loved the very opening stanza, which just drew me in, and the closing stanza - it was so powerful. For be you've really captured that dull feeling of going through life, day to day to day to day, over and over and over again... just wanting to move on... for... SOMETHING to happen.
I thought there were some places where words which you probably eliminated because you thought were "filler" words actually could've stayed... like here, for example:
"MY tongue becomes
A luscious meadow,"
The filler words that I feel should have been eliminated was "that" in a lot of spots, you used it a lot and at the end of lines which made the flow choppy and disrupted in some spots.
Other then that, I loved this piece. You have portrayed your theme in a terrific and affective way. . . very strong write
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I liked this, it was definitely an improvement from last round.
I do think that you tried to cut down on your word usage. Words like 'a' 'the' 'my' or could be anything - it's just cut out and dirsupted the flow.
Other than that, really good. -
oh yes, much much better
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Thanks!!!!
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I really do like the theme of this. I think the wording could have been done a little bit differently (like using synonyms of the words you used) and maybe a bit more punctuation. But overall, this was good.
~Cassie
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