I am all fuss
And is it us
Who kill and hack
Worn world, and wrack
Simply to crush
In outland hush?
No, not at all
Build up a wall
And hand a brick
To still a trick
For it is so
Always, to go.
Drink, warlord, sup
My poison cup
Down it today
So you may say
That you did thrash
My mind to trash.
And if you do
All ashlar, too
Will fall in dust
It will, it must.
Author notes
Option #2 About worldly folk who know all
A contest entry
- The sunset drapes over the shoulder of my passion; by aaaaaaaa.
11458 points, ended March 22, 2009, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Congratulations on obtaining your trophy. It's a grand bit of jolly that has run against all odds to splash victorious just short of gold! Man, writing without that fifth "alpha-bit" is difficult! Yours truly, Jim.
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Hello (=
This really impressed me. The flow is very good for no e's. Your first stanza is remarkable.
"I am all fuss
And is it us
Who kill and hack
Worn world, and wrack"
^ very nice.
Your second stanza stumbles a bit, and has some forced rhyming. The clarity also takes a dive here. Most of the rhyming is very nice and flows good though.
The transition from stanza 2 to 3 is a bit awkward, but the other transitions are very nice.
The theme isn't groundbreaking but I like the way you applied it to the poem.
I think this will score good!
Here's my sheet:
Fusspot's Scoring Sheet
Correct Format - 15/15 points
Rules - 5/5 points
Clarity - 7/10 points
Cohesion - 8/10 points
Length - 10/10 points
Theme - 8/10 points
Originality of theme - 2/5 points
Title - 3/5 points
Vocabulary/Grammar - 9/10 points
Flow - 9/10 points
Personal Opinion - 9/10 points
Total: 85/100
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Correct Format - 15/15
Rules - 5/5
Clarity - 8/10
Cohesion - 8/10
Length - 9/10
Theme - 8/10
Originality of theme - 5/5
Title - 3/5
Vocabulary/Grammar - 10/10
Flow - 9/10
Personal Opinion - 9/10
Total = 89
I really enjoyed reading this. You wrote a beautiful poem with no e's, and i'm very impressed by your lack of filler words like "and" and your excellent rhyme carried throughout most of the poem! The word "ashlar" was interesting; i've never come across it before. I love it.
I feel this poem could be made better with smoother transition between stanzas, at the moment each stanza feels quite detached, especially the last two.
Thank you for entering, as I said this was a very enjoyable read. Good luck!
ElectricBloom -
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Thanks. I'm very impressed by your score sheet, and the fact that it is considerably longer than my poem! I love it. Could you devise a score sheet without e's! That would be a real achievement, would it no' ? Best wishes, guys and gals. (You may notice my author's comment has no e's either.)
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Does ashlar mean the same thing that it does here? Here it means dressed limestone. The "dressing" means a very neat bit of masonry making the limestone into a type of large, sort of pin-striped bricks. Very elegant. Sorry for another silly American question from across the pond. What does outland mean? It's such a lovely evocative word.
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Yes, ashlar is dressed limestone - and the word has all sorts of interesting masonic and poetic connotations (see link below). I thought that I had made up 'outland' as an adjective, but it does exist. It's an archaic Old English word, used to describe land which is beyond the boundaries of the feudal estate, and therefore dangerous and unprotected. I hope you will now use the word yourself, with my blessing. Best Wishes, and keep up the good work.
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I have a question. Does ashlar mean dressed limestone in England? That's what it means here. What does outland mean? It's a lovely evocative word.
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Superb
I find this one to be a wee bit on the enigmatic side. The name Aslar seems familiar, does it come from a novel; movie, and/or video game? Very well written indeed. Never mind, I googled Ashlar, and here is the link to what I found:
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071115234721AAzaZMA
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Thanks for your kind words. Here's another link to ashlar which has some fascinating information:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashlar
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wow i really liked this! i love your rhymes and the flow of the poem.
this was great!
wonderful job and good luck with your contest!
huggglezz,
-adria <3
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That is well done. I think you have created another world in just a few sparse words, complete with very human conflicts and faults. Sparse yet graphic.
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