I Think of You

I think of you
Every time I do the things
You never let me do
[When everyone else was learning how]
Those seemingly unimportant things
That all the other kids
Knew how to do
Those things you never taught me
Those things you always did for me


1.

Six years old
Just took my first shower
Feeling so grown-up
I ask,
“How do you dry your own hair?”
“You’re too young to do that. We’ll show you in a few years.”

[crushed]


2.

Coming home from the mall with a brand-new shirt
Reaching for the scissors
Only to have you snatch them away
“Mummy, why can’t I cut the labels out of my shirt?”
Maybe next time I buy a new shirt, I can sneak it to my room and I’ll figure out how to do this on my own...
“You can’t do it right. You’ll cut into the fabric. Let me do it.”

[defeated]


3.

Sophomore year of high school
Everyone who passed their permit test
Begins driving lessons pretty quickly
I have a few lessons here and there...
A different teacher each time...
Over a period of two and a half years...
My 17th birthday comes and goes.
Other people are getting their license
While I’m nowhere near ready.
“Why am I not getting regular driving lessons?”
“You’ll get there eventually. Don’t worry. There’s no need to rush.”

[exasperated]


-  +  -  +  -  +  -  These little things come back every so often  -  +  -  +  -  +  -

1.

Seventh grade band trip.
We’re all going to see a performance
I’m panicking when I can’t get my hair straight.
The other girls are dressed and ready
I envy them like the plague.
One walks in and grabs the hairdryer;
She’s decided to help me
purely for the sake of moving things along.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
She says, “I’ve been drying my hair since I was six.”

[strike 1]


2.

I was just out shopping today.
Alone.
I bought a new shirt
And the label makes my neck itch.
So I grab the scissors
Fold the shirt inside-out
And cut out the label.
I don’t need anyone to do it for me.
And guess what, I can do it just as well
If not better
Than you.
...and I’m discovering this as a teenager.

[strike 2]


3.

Senior year of high school begins.
Virtually everyone is lined up for a spot in the senior parking lot...
Not me.
I’ve barely had enough driving lessons to be on the road alone.
And I don’t get my license until
two weeks before my eighteenth birthday.
I have to leave for school early
Every day
If I want to find a legal place to park.
So much for convenience...

[strike 3]
I’m out of here.


But
It’s not about drying my hair
It’s not about cutting labels out of new clothes
It’s not about when I got my driver’s license

It’s about trying to keep a child a child
It’s about a mother doing everything for her daughter
before she has a chance to prove
that she is able
it’s about crippling a child’s growth
killing her self-esteem
and nurturing her self-doubt


You don’t know how.
I’ll do it for you.
You’re too young.
You always do it wrong.
You’re too loud.
You’re not strong enough.
Why do you need to know how to do that?
What makes you think you’ll be able to do that?


.........and then you wonder why I don’t want to visit you.