Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Relief

Shadows and jazz. Heavy.
Rythmic. A lover.
She played the sax in a big band. Blank shirt and tie, chest bound flat. Would have passed too if it weren’t for her scent. Spicy and sweet. Few would be able to tell it.
I brought her a drink. Highball.

Outside the air is icy. Dead still. I long for a breeze so she will have an excuse to brush my hair from my eyes. She does it anyway. My beads shiver.
Her kisses are soft soft. Fire and satin.
She walked me home. Crooked alleys. At my stairs I lent in, she turned away.
I asked her up for coffee. My breath on her neck made refusal impossible.

I don’t own a kettle.

The door slammed. I had her against the wall. She gasped. Hands on my neck, hips, thighs, tentative. Tears worried her need.

I told her.

Author notes

I know it isn't a proper poem, but I had to write it down. Before I finished writing it I was already on to the next fantasy.

On the weekend I guided my english teacher on a tour, the one who got me into writing and poetry, I wonder what she would think reading my cross dressing lesbian fantasy? She always seemed so quaint but I bet she would have fixed it up all the same.

There are few bits I could use suggestions to improve the pace, description. Some of those words don't seem to quite fit. Help me out. (Especially with the background and text colours!!! Its awful).

What about that 'I don't own a kettle', its not in keeping with the tone, what should I put there? I think I want something there, do you think it sounds right skipping that line?

Comments.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Luken gold member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    First of all, get rid of the purple. This needs to be sexy! Try darker red? Anything but the purple!

    "I don't own a kettle." Is my favorite line... since it goes with the end. It makes the character really become.. well... a character.

    On the last bit, I'd get rid of the "my's"...

    i.e.

    "Hands on my neck, hips, thighs; tentative. Tears worried her need."

    The rest of the poem is awesome-- I can see every scene in my head

    Bravo.