Jolene

I.

I pulsed with the Nevada sky
Saw your face above me every night, even after you'd gone
Your long hair down in braids
like a Native American,
like that woman tattooed on your arm.

Your breath heavy with lust,
'want me to fuck you baby?'
We skip stones across a lake in Montana
pretend we have laid beneath a July sky,
felt the summer rain on our skin.
Wished so truly we had loved
one another on a January morning,
woke to the sunlight pressed hard
against the snow covered pines.

January is gone, my love
it was an illusion, the whole god damn thing
But I love to believe it,
every lie you place in the palm of my hand
I love each lie as I have come to love you.

Every time you taste me
you say I taste sweet, like innocence
like stars on a summer night
like a little girl.

On nights you can't sleep
you drag me along.
I taste the metal beneath your tongue
watch your eyes redden,
your hands shake.

I use my tiny fingers to crush the petals
to a white dust against the kitchen table.
weeping cedar pressed against my skin.
Inhale, baby. I love you.
I love to feed your addiction.

The sky was misshapen, blue and wild.
Children all around us run about,
sucking tenderly on the lemons
that fill their hands.
I will be the biggest mistake of your life.

II.

Truth as true as a Kentucky sunset
the feathers of the songbird are cracking,
the cowboy hat gathers dust on the banister
where it hangs. We will never exist
together. Lies are just the truth re-discovered
Love is the truth we never found.

I dreamt of a yard that stretched for eternities:
horses and chickens and red haired children
whose names began with J.
I love a liar, true in pure and heart.

Your love of orchids will never die
you drag me down and I
learned to love it.
'Want me to fuck you baby?'

Not even the hills of West Virginia
could comfort me after you'd gone.
I wear your ring on my finger to remind
myself that you existed.
My body hollow without the weight of you.

Love has taken me and brought me here.
Every night you laid with me,
told me of survival, how to spur a steer in the neck,
some tiny bar in Texas, how everyone's a liar,
How that love of yours will never die.

There were so, so many lies
Still, I find myself searching for that misshapen sky.